Thursday, April 17, 2008

Season 1, Episode 9: Raised by Another

The episode opens like most television shows do: with a close up of an eyeball and babies crying. Wait, no, I take it back. Nothing ever starts like that. What a bunch of weirdos. The crying baby wakes up Claire (the pregnant girl, if you're just joining us) and naturally she walks into the monster/polar bear infested jungle. She finds Locke sitting at a table, sharpening some knives and he says some creepy stuff, so far pretty much what you'd expect. Then she finds a crib with an airplane mobile thing hanging over it, but there's no baby in the crib, just a bunch of... baby goo? Oh, surprise, it was a dream. Claire is freaked the fuck out and she's all screaming and crying and shit, but luckily for everyone Charlie Pace is there to talk her down.

Jack treats Claire's hands which she cut up with her own fingernails during the nightmare and they talk about babies but not in a fun exciting way. In more of a doctor boring way. She has to pee all the time. Great. That's this week's twist.


Some wiener looking guy is all nervous and asking Claire about the pregnancy test she just took. There's a lot of sit-com-ish confusion about how to work the pregnancy test but eventually Claire becomes pretty sure that she is. Wiener circle says that sometimes the tests are wrong because they "thought his uncle had testicular cancer". To which Claire responds, "Your uncle is dead, poindexter!"
"Well... yeah, but when he peed on the stick it said he was pregnant... so, you never know." They nervously make the bed, which is also what I do when I'm freaking out, and they decide that maybe they should keep the baby after listening to a choice Madonna song.

Flash forward.

Jack and Kate are staring into the middle distance out toward the ocean. They talk about sand and water for a little while... and the merits of both, and speaking of sand... the conversation turns to how Sayid's doing, but then quickly deviates back to things like carrying fish and having babies... the scene mercifully ends and cuts to...

Charlie Pace! is bringing some water to Claire. They talk about weird dreams they both have had. Charlie Pace's dream involves everything smelling like bacon which, like everything that Charlie Pace does, sounds wonderful. He kind of hits on Claire a little and awkwardly asks her out, sorta. She's a total bitch, though, and shoots him down. He plays it cool, but you know he's disappointed.


Claire and wiener schnitzel are going to move in together, but first her "friend" makes her go see a "psychic". Listen, readers, real friends don't make you see psychics. Interestingly, the psychic is the president of Russia, or at least, he is if you're like me and you think 24 is real. Which I do, and I also don't think that it's too far fetched to think that the president of Russia is moonlighting as a psychic in Australia. IHe does impress everyone though, because he can tell Claire is pregnant and she doesn't even look pregnant! So far he's 1 for 1, but then he totally freaks the fuck out and tells everyone to leave. No one saw that one coming! He is polite about it, though, if not a bit creepy. But then, who isn't creepy on this show?

Flash forward.

Claire's sleeping again and then someone sneaks up on her and brandishes a knife. She starts screaming and crying again and says that someone attacked her. Hurley and Charlie Pace go off to see if they can find the culprit. Not surprisingly, Hurley does not find anything, except an unending hunger that no dish made by man can quell. He does have some time to do some thinking, though, and he rambles about it for a while to Jack, and eventually gets to the damn point. His name isn't Hurley. It's Hugo Reyes, but then he actually gets to the point which is that he wants to take a census so that they can have an idea of who's all on the island. A census. Will the excitement never end?


Claire got drapes. Wiener dude decided he wants to be cool and he puts on this attitude and starts drinking beer and being aloof. Then he just flat out dumps Claire. He suddenly found out that babies are a lot of work and responsibility. Obviously not the brightest singularity in timespace. He's worried that he won't have time for his painting. Well, he's a shitty painter so no loss there. Claire yells at him but maybe she should be happy because that guy was a fucking wash.

Flash forward.

Hurley is conducting his census. Locke is not amused, but he goes along with it. Locke says some vague, weird stuff and Hurley stands there awkwardly and then leaves in a comical fashion. The writers have hit their stride. Meanwhile, Jack thinks that Claire was maybe just having a nightmare. This makes Charlie Pace mad, but the point is that Jack doesn't want her to freak herself out and go into early labor. To calm Charlie Pace down, Jack puts his arm around his shoulder and says to him, "Stick with me Charlie Pace. For someday, when I am gone, all of this will be yours. You will someday be King Doctor. Until then, I appoint you the royal minstrel of this island, and your first task will be to write a song chronicling the discovery and founding of West Caverberg.

Back at Hurley's census, he's talking to a freaky looking guy named Ethan. Ethan Rom. He's from Ontario... the backstory... so rich and thick... like strawberry syrup poured lovingly over a Grand Slam.

Claire's writing in her diary and Jack tries to tell her that he thinks it was all a dream and tries to give her some mild sedatives to calm her down. She gets a little upset, and starts packing her shit up to move back to South Beachton. Charlie Pace, once again, is not amused.


Claire goes back to see that psychic guy. She wants him to finish that reading they started... He will. Coolio. Umm... let's see... they breathe for a while... he closes his eyes... he figures out she got dumped, warns her the reading might be bad but she wants to go through with it... he sees some bad shit, I guess. Then he says that it is crucial that she raises the child alone and no one else can do it or else... bad. She gets freaked out and leaves and he yells at her a bit. Then he starts calling her at night to remind her that she can't put up the kid for adoption. Blah blah blah... you get the gist.

Flash present.

Charlie Pace meets up with Claire while she's walking back to South Beachton and tries to convince her to go back to the beach.

Hurley is continuing his census by talking to that annoying girl and her annoying brother. The boy makes some smart ass remark about Hurley setting up his own patriot act when he probably doesn't even know what the patriot act actually says. I know I don't. Hurley lets it slip that the reason he's doing it is because Claire got attacked at night to which the girl responds, "I am so not moving to the rape cave," and drops he bags down. "Hey," Hurley says, "Don't confuse us with East Caverberg." Well, the annoying kid proves himself useful for once and tells Hurley that maybe he should get his hands on the plane's manifest, sadly, Sawyer has it, which means that Hurley has to talk to Sawyer. Here's one of the series true great battles of the minds. Sawyer coughs it up. What a guy.

Charlie Pace and Claire are still walking through the jungle and Charlie Pace admits that he likes Claire. She starts going on about how she thinks that Charlie Pace just wants to rescue her but she doesn't need rescuing and with the comedic timing of a Ruth Buzzi, Claire goes into labor. Now she and Charlie Pace are both freaking out and Charlie Pace is acting all goofy. It's all pretty amusing. I thought I was watching Cheers for a minute, but sadly, no. This episode is actually about everybody not knowing your name.


Claire's meeting with the potential adoption parents and they seem nice, but she starts having second thoughts. I mean, when the president of Russia tells you to do something you do it. Hey! You get $20,000 when you put up a kid for adoption!? Not a bad deal. We all have kind of a sad moment while she starts to sign the paper, but the pen doesn't work, nor does the next pen... is this Saturday Night Live? No! It's the comedic stylings of the Lost writing staff. In a hilarious turn of events, Claire decides she can't go through with it and runs out of the room and straight to the psychic's house to hear about his "offer".

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is running through the forest all gang busters when he runs into Ethan who is... collecting sticks? Anyways, Charlie Pace tells him what's going down with Claire and tells him to run and get the good king doctor. Ethan, seeing the urgency of the situation, throws down his sticks and dashes off while Charlie Pace makes his way back to Claire. They both breathe together for a while.


The psychic found someone to adopt the kid. He's giving her $12,000 to give it to them. What the hell is this? Some kind of baby black market? That's not even a good offer. The legit adoption people were offering her $8,000 more than that. I guess it's a moot point though, since it's all Australian money.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace thinks that maybe the dude knew that the plane was going to crash and he tricked her into getting on it so that she'd crash on the island and she'd have to raise the kid alone.


Psychic dude says that it has to be that flight.

Flash forward.

Claire agrees. That asshole knew all along.

Meanwhile. Oh! It's Sayid. Running through the forest. Haven't seen him in a while.

Wait, back to Charlie Pace and Claire. The contractions maybe stopped. So... that's good, I guess. Everything worked out just fine. They decide to go back to the caves together and Charlie Pace promises he won't let anything happen to them.

Oh, back to Sayid. He meets up with Jack and Locke and tells them about the crazy French bitch. He's... been better and he tells them they're not alone and someone plays a trumpet really ominously. Bah. Bah. Bah. Bah. Bah!!!!

Hurley's the one running all gangbusters now and he says he cross references his census with the manifest and there was an extra dude.

Ethan shows up in the forest to meet Charlie Pace and Claire and he looks like a total fucking creep, and... wait. Oh. Um... the end.


Monday, April 14, 2008

Season 1, Episode 8: Solitary

Sayid is bored. Striking out on his own may have been a bad idea. He's just sitting on the beach, staring at some stock photos that you get when you buy a picture frame. You know the ones I'm talking about. Finally he sees something that piques his interest: A cable running from the forest out into the ocean. Maybe if he pulls hard enough he can pull the island back to some main body of land.

Jack is changing Sawyer's bandages and Sawyer is being a dick. Same old, same old. Jack gets annoyed and tells him to change his own bandages, also they are out of Hannah Montana ones. He finds Kate staring off into the distance dreamily, thinking about what Sayid is doing right now. Jack assures her that Sayid is a trained soldier, he'll be okay. What Jack doesn't realize is that Sayid was trained to be a soldier in Iraq, they didn't really cover jungle survival, but how different can the jungle be from the desert?

Turns out a lot. Sayid SEES a trip wire, stares at it for a few seconds and then proceeds to spring the trap which leaves him hanging upside down out of a tree by his ankle. Nice going, Jack, he's doing just great on his own. A good King Doctor wouldn't have let this happen. Cut to nighttime, Sayid is still hanging around, getting delusional from all the blood rushing to his head, but luckily for him, someone cuts him down. Too bad he passes out before he can see who it is.

Jack is treating an old Harry Potter's back rash. Hurley is worried about the general populace's spirits. Jack doesn't have time to worry about fun, though. "Things could be worse, Hurley."
"How?" Hurley responds. For once I agree with someone on this show.

Meanwhile, things are worse for Sayid. He's tied to an old bed mattress and an old French lady is shocking him with a car battery and asking him "Where is Alex?"
"Who's Alex? Did you name a polar bear Alex? Because if you did... umm... bad news..."


Sayid is interrogating some dude in another language. Luckily, with some camera tricks, they change the language to English so that I don't have to read subtitles. TAKE A HINT KOREAN STORY LINE. The dude he's torturing doesn't know anything. Afterwards, it sounds like Sayid is getting a promotion or something, but he stops paying attention when he sees a pretty lady walk by in handcuffs. I stopped paying attention when Charlie Pace was no longer on screen.

Flash present.

Locke comes back from a night hunt with some dude named Ethan. Total Dweeb. They found some suitcases, so they give them to Hurley to rummage through. He finds a kickass Hawaiian shirt. Score. Walt sneaks over to talk to Mr. Locke. He wants to go out hunting with him, but Michael catches him. Nice try, kid. Meanwhile, Hurley finds something in the suitcase worthy of him muttering, "Woah, dude," to himself. Judging by his reaction it could be anything from a new airplane to a half eaten Twix.

Sayid, on the other hand, is still getting shocks from a car battery. The crazy jungle lady starts talking in French. She's the lady from the recording! Oh, it's like they're old friends. Except she punches him in the face and he passes out. Judging from the flashbacks, perhaps they are old friends. He wakes up to find that absolutely nothing has changed. She seems to be the survivor of... something, and she talks about some other people, maybe. She starts asking who the woman is in those stock photographs he has. He has apparently named her Nadia.


Oh, it's the girl from the handcuff thing earlier. Sayid has to interrogate her. Bummer. Looks like they're friends or something. Or at least they used to be, when they were kids. Except she didn't punch him and he didn't pass out, so it's too early to tell. She used to pick on him. Well... the tables have turned. Payback is a bitch. She's been tortured before, though, so it's cool.

Flash forward.

French lady finds an old bullet wound that Sayid has. Makes some small talk. He's still tied to the bed frame. She asks about Nadia, he asks about Alex. Neither of them answer the other.

Cut to Walt, who is bored, it's as if he's watching this with me. Michael tells him to find a way to keep himself entertained. Hurley, on the other hand, is almost beside himself with amusement for some unknown reason. Jack is just happy he doesn't have to look at him for a while.

Back at crazy French lady's house, she doesn't believe Sayid about, well, anything. Boring. Oh, we find out that Nadia is dead because of Sayid. Then French lady starts stroking his face and saying she's sorry and we all get a little creeped out. Then all of a sudden she says, "I want to show you something."

Michael drew up some plans for a shower. Jack is impressed, but Charlie Pace runs in looking concerned because Hurley of all people has something important that everyone should see. This certainly is cause for alarm, but things take a turn for the awesome when we find out that Hurley has found a set of golf clubs and constructed one of the shittiest golf courses I've ever seen. Michael and Jack are pissed, Charlie Pace seems amused. Hurley raises the very good point that their lives suck and they need to have some fun. It's as if he broke the fourth wall and was talking directly to me.

French lady shows Sayid a music box she has, which is a less creepy result that I was expecting, so... thank you, tv show. Sadly the music box is broken, but she got it from her "lover".
"Alex?" Sayid asks.
"Robert." She responds.
Jesus, lady, how many lovers did you have on this island? Well, that's the French. Sayid says he can fix it if she unties him, but come on. No one's gonna fall for that one. She seems intrigued, though, but instead of untying his hands, she injects him with something and he passes out again.

Jack and Michael come around, and they're all enjoying a round of two hole golf. Old Harry Potter finds them and sees that they're playing golf. He seems mad at first, but then he wants to play too. They all say no and he walks away muttering something about a broken wand and advada kedavra under his breath.

Sayid wakes up tied to a pole or something. She wants him to fix the box so she moved him to a place where he can work. It's kind of a roundabout way to get him over there, but I guess they have some time on their hands. He agrees to fix it if she tells him her name. It's Danielle... totally a fake name. Danielle is like the 555 of names. Here's here story in a nutshell: She was on a science team, things went wrong, there were sounds... their ship ran aground. It was only supposed to be a three hour tour. Everyone went crazy or something, or the monster killed them. She's not really clear on the details. Zombies or something. She mentions some people called "the others" and a black rock. She can "hear" "others" "whispering". It's all very spooky and over dramatic and not very informative at all, but such is the nature of the beast. I'm referring here to both the monster and this style of narrative.


Sayid brought Nadia some bread. He wants her to help them identify some suspects in a bombing but she won't. Yeah, I was disappointed, too.

Flash forward.

South Beachton has caught word of the new golf course. The annoying kids decide to go. So does Kate. Sawyer makes some sarcastic remarks. Par for the course, though.

Hooray! Sayid has fixed the music box. Now we can listen to that annoying tune for the next 16 years! Finally, something to do. She still won't let him go, though. She starts yelling that it's not safe, but before she can explain there's like a dinosaur yell outside so she grabs a gun and runs outside.


Sayid has to execute Nadia, and I thought I had a bad day at work.

Flash forward.

Sayid escapes from the French lady's fort, grabs some maps, probably so it looks like he did something useful while he was gone, and also he grabs a gun.

We cut back to a golf course with a bunch of people watching one black guy play. It's the 1997 Master's tournament all over again. Everyone playing golf and enjoying themselves. You gotta hand this one to Hurley, but careful he sometimes mistakes fingers for sausages. Walt is kind of pissed because Michael left him alone at the caves. He thought he was with Claire, but she's asleep... which means that the pregnant girl is now alone... back in West Caverberg.

Sayid is running through the jungle, wishing that he had joined the Congo military, but he has a stroke of luck when he catches up behind Danielle and then they have an old fashioned hunting rifle standoff.


Sayid doesn't want to kill Nadia so he helps her break out, shoots his guard friend, shoots himself in the leg, and gives her the gun. She writes him a little note on the back of her picture and runs away.

Flash forward.

Ahh nuts. Sayid's gun doesn't work. Turns out Robert fell for the same trick "when she shot him". In fact, Danielle killed all her friends. The professor, Giligan, Mary Anne. All of them. I guess Nadia might still be alive, which is good news. Except Sayid is now stuck on an island... he tried to convince Danielle to come back to West Caverberg with him, but she won't. She warns him to watch the other castaways but doesn't explain why. Oh, turns out Alex was her child.

Charlie Pace and Jack are battling it out to win the golf tournament. Bets start flying around. Sawyer shows up just in time for the gambling, but no one is happy to see him. Kate takes his bet and so does annoying kid. Awww... they're all becoming friends. Everyone except Locke who is taking out his aggressions by throwing knives at an innocent tree by himself. Walt shows up, though, to keep him company, but mostly because those hunting knives are totally dope, and Walt fucking hates trees.

Sayid is not doing well. He's Lost in the jungle and he starts hearing that whispering the crazy French lady was talking about.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sidebar: Current Events

Dan Savage, critically acclaimed author and weekly alt-sex and romance columnist, has recently posted this.

So clearly great minds think alike, or one of us is a thieving bastard. I'll let you, the reader, be the judge.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Lost Season 1, Episode 7: Confidence Man

Oh, man. Let me start out by saying... this episode... could've been funnier. I mean, I like watching a man get tortured as much as the next guy, but as far as making jokes about it... not as fun as I thought. Oh, umm. Spoiler alert, by the way. A dude gets tortured in this episode.

Kate is walking down the beach, tallying her bananas, when she comes across a trashy romance novel and notices Sawyer doing his best Matthew McConaughey impression. It's pretty good too, all he has to do is not shave for a few days and then not wear a shirt. He makes some lewd comments at Kate, which surprisingly have nothing to do with bananas. Well, that's what being on ABC will do to your sexy banter.


Sawyer is in bed with some lady friend, post sans pants dance, making the cutsey talk when he discovers that he's late for a meeting. He jumps out of bed, puts some clothes on for a change, and grabs his briefcase which coincidentally falls open and spills out a bunch of (presumably) real money.

Flash forward.

Sawyer is running through the forest for some reason, shirt on, sandwich in hand, and he find the annoying kid rummaging through his stuff. Cut to Jack disinfecting Sayid's head. They're talking about how Sayid got attacked by a log in the last episode. Sayid is Piiiiiiiiissssssed, but then the annoying kid gets carried into the cave all beat up and stuff. Sawyer kicked the living poops out of him.

Pregnant girl is sitting on the beach, relaxing, and Charlie Pace brings her some water and tries to convince her to move to West Caverberg with him. It is "too sunny" on the beach, he argues, but she "has a hat". This will truely go down as one of our generation's greatest battles of the minds.

Back in West Caverberg, Jack is wasting peroxiding on the annoying kid. We find out that he was digging through Sawyer's stuff looking for his sister's inhaler refills. There's a long, boring explanation as to why he thinks Sawyer has the inhaler refills... I won't make you suffer through it, but Jack takes it upon himself to find them. He and Sawyer have some words and it almost comes to fisticuffs, but Kate shows up and makes the whole situation a lot skinnier.


Sawyer and his lady friend are putting clothes back on and he's explaining that the money is to buy into an oil rig or something... then his money gets tripled... but he doesn't have quite enough... there's a lot of confusing explanations in this episode. Point is he needs about 160 grand for his oil thing. Boy, there's nothing I love more in my adventure mystery show with monsters and polar bears than five minutes of exposition about international investing. Unless it's a conversation between the monster and the polar bear, but maybe I just spoiled the next episode for myself. His lady friend wants in on the deal, and apparently also has 160 thousand bucks, or at least a husband who does.

Flash present!

Jack is Piiiiissssssed, but Kate wants to talk to him before they head down the murder route. Sawyer is... chopping up some wood on the beach, for some reason, when Kate shows up. She tries to barter with him for the inhalers. He doesn't want much though. Just a kiss from Kate. She's a total prude, though. She just starts talking about how Sawyer is in love with a piece of paper that he has in his pocket, but that doesn't go too well. Sawyer is Piiiiiiissssssed! He makes her read the paper. "Dear Mr. Sawyer, you had sex with my mom and stole our money so my dad killed my mom and himself and some potted plants. You killed my parents. Something something." Sawyer still wants a kiss.... or not. I don't even know anymore.

Sayid starts asking Locke about where he was last night. Locke has a solid alibi, though: the boar he was killing. The boar vouches for him, as boars are wont to do, and Locke suspects that Sawyer was the one that clubbed him. Sawyer has an alibi too, because he set off a rocket a few seconds before Sayid got logged in the head. Locke doesn't buy it, though. He's seen how to improvise a slow fuse on TV, and assumes that everyone only gets that one channel he got in his crappy hotel room where he was inviting phone hookers to go to Australia with him. I still think that's weird. Well, it's back to carving spears for Mr. Locke. Oh, also he give Sayid the gift of one of his thousands of hunting knives.

Annoying girl is really bad at breathing, so Jack demands the inhalers. Sawyer makes a smart ass remark so Jack punches him in the face. Finally, some action. The asians seem nervous, or awkward, or dyslexic, or mustard. It's hard to tell with those people.


Sawyer is having dinner with his lady friend and her husband and he's totally swindling them. He acts like he's not that into the deal (and neither am I) with them and the husband seems skeptical. Sawyer starts to walk out but then the guy wants in again. Flash out to me taking a bathroom break during this poppycock scene.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is working his charms on pregnant girl. They're talking about food. She wants peanut butter, Charlie Pace says he'll get her some, but only if she'll move to West Caverberg if he does.

Meanwhile, annoying girl still sucks at breathing. Jack talks her through it. Annoying kid tries to tell Jack that she needs her inhaler but he tells the kid to promptly shut the hell up. The girl starts breathing again a little. Huzzah... even Hurley is impressed. Sayid... is not. He wants to torture Sawyer, and he's apparently an expert on the subject from his time in the military. They're going to torture the inhalers out of Sawyer.

Charlie Pace is trying to get some peanut butter from Hurley. He is the fat guy, after all. He would be the one who has peanut butter. Sadly, he does not.

Michael is gutting a fish and it gets in his eye, which sucks, but more importantly, Sun knows how to help the girl who never learned to breathe... Oh wait. Does she have asthma? Oh no! My sincerest apologies to my asthmatic readers.

Jack and Sayid start torturing Sawyer. Kate is pissed. It's the whole bamboo under the fingernails bit. Ouch. But Sawyer doesn't talk. Totally not funny. Finally he agrees to tell Kate where it is, but only Kate.


Sawyer is talking to some black dude in a pool hall. I guess he got the initial 140 grand from this guy, and he wants it back and he's big, black and scary.

Flash forward.

Kate shows up. Sawyer wants a kiss. She kisses him. He doesn't have it. (Insert Price Is Right loser music here). It's somewhere in the ocean. Kate is Piiiiiiiissssssed. Sayid is even more Pissed. Sawyer cuts the ropes that are tying his hands behind a tree and attacks Sayid, Sayid stabs him in the arm. Finally, a little action.

Sayid runs back to camp to get some medical supplies and the annoying kid sees him.
Annoying kid: Whose blood is that? Is it a person? s it Michael Douglas? What do you think of Charlie Pace? Is it bigger than a toaster?

Jack is holding Sawyer's artery shut so he doesn't bleed out and Sawyer's telling him to let go because he'd let Jack die, but if everyone dies, who will jack be King Doctor of?


Sawyer is about to steal those people's money when their son shows up and he thinks better of the situation. He leaves all the money there and walks away. Turns out he doesn't want to ruin a kid's life. It's cause HE ISN'T MR. SAWYER! He's the kid who wrote the letter? I think that's what happened.

Flash forward.

Sawyer doesn't die. Kate figures out that he was the one who wrote the letter because there's a bicentennial stamp on the letter. The ultimate irony is that he then started pulling the same trick on other people. Kate and he have an awkward moment and then he yells at her to "get out", which once again causes some problems as they are on an island. It is literally impossible to be any more "out".

Charlie Pace starts packing up pregnant girl's clothes because he "found peanut butter" but then he presents her with an empty jar. Charlie Pace, clearly having lost his marbles, starts eating imaginary peanut butter. I've seen this trick before. I was not impressed when I saw it in "Hook" and I am not impressed now. Anyways, the girl agrees to move to West Caverberg. Let's hope she catches on before he takes her imaginary hang gliding.

Sayid gets all emo and strikes out on his own because he feels bad about torturing Sawyer. He's gonna make some maps or something. There's some emotional piano music and there's a shot of Burt Bacharach playing a grand piano on the beach. We see Charlie Pace and pregnant girl leaving the beach, the annoying girl breathing, and Sawyer reading his own letter, and finally we see Sayid walking down the beach alone.

Also, Sun finds a plant that cures asthma.


For more information on asthma and how to treat it, please visit The National Heart Lung and Blood Institute website or your local library.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Episode 6: Moth

Charlie Pace is sweating a lot and clumsily playing his guitar. Clearly he is wigging out, man, and Locke feels bad for him. He invites Charlie Pace to go on a walk with him to get some fresh air, and Charlie Pace shoots him a look to suggest that the idea that he had been breathing anything but fresh air for the past eight days is idiotic and insulting.

Jack is on the beach to pick up some more supplies to bring back to West Caverberg. He and Kate get in an argument about living in West Caverberg versus the beach house... they're already like an old married couple and they've only known each other for a little over a week. But Kate still has hope that rescue will come. "Look, Kate, no one is coming. This beach isn't exactly a spring break hot spot. MTV isn't setting up their summer HQ here. We're not going to be floating to safety on Kurt Loder's bloated corpse, okay?"

Charlie Pace is just walking around in the forest for the fun of it when he hears what he thinks is Locke but is actually some kind of screeching Pygmy or something... when...


Charlie Pace is bragging to this priest about how much sex he's having because he's a bloody rock star. He acts like he's sorry and wants forgiveness, but come on. He just wants to talk himself up a bit. He acts like he wants to quit the band, probably figures that'll shave off a few dozen Hail Mary's, and on the way out he runs into a band mate that has for him a kickass record deal. If you're gonna be a rock god, might as well live in a church I guess.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is running for his freaking life and before he knows it, he's on the quickly growing list of people who's lives Locke has saved. Locke captures the boar that's chasing Charlie Pace in a sweet net. Where he got enough rope to make a net... well, your guess is as good as mine. Charlie Pace, well, he's not interested in guessing. He wants his "bloody drugs back".
Locke: You've now asked me once, but I'm not going to give them back to you. We all have moments of weakness. When you ask me three times, well then...
Charlie Pace: IwantmydrugsIwantmydrugs. Now now now now now.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Sayid, Kate and the future of corporate America are planning on setting up a communications network so they can triangulate where the French lady signal is coming from. They need a battery to make it work and Kate knows just where to look. She forgets about the walkman that Hurley is constantly listen to and enter Sawyer, that asshole guy, for those of you just joining us. He's sitting on a pretty nice nest egg of crap he found.
Kate: Must be hard for you, living like a parasite. Always taking, never giving.
Saywer: Well you see, the young man over there showed me how to set up and run a buisness.
He gives her a battery though, because he's not all bad.

Charlie Pace is back in West Caverberg and he's trying to help out with the move in. He's a little frazzled though and he drops a bunch of stuff including Jack's bag of pills which he immediately starts rummaging through. Jack tells him to take a break and clearly starts suspecting that something is not quite right.


Charlie Pace doesn't want to sign the record contract because he's having too much sex and being too crazy. He finally agrees to sign on the condition that if it gets "too crazy" then they'll walk away. His older brother/bandmate agrees.

Flash forward.

The Koreans are doing something in another language. Something about putting on a damn sweater cause you're half naked. Fat guy tells Charlie Pace to move his guitar and this makes him really mad. I can understand that. There is nothing but space on the island. You'd think they could work around one guitar. Anyways, Charlie Pace goes into the cave and starts yelling at Jack about being disrespectful. "I'm a bloody rock god" and all that. Well, he yells a little too loud and makes the real god of rocks angry and a cave in ensues, trapping Jack inside.

Everyone is understandably upset, for what are they to do without their beloved King Doctor. Charlie Pace, after slaying Jack, declares himself the new King Doctor, "There can be only one King Doctor. I have slain King Doctor Jack. All hail King Doctor Charlie Pace!"

They decide that Jack might still be alive so Charlie Pace runs down to the beach to get some help to save him. Small Business Weekly goes to help, leaving his annoying sister in charge of turning on the antenna and lighting off the signal rocket that Sayid rigged up for him. This is turning into an episode of goddamn MacGuyver. No. I take that back. If MacGuyver was here, they all would have been off the island three episodes ago.


We get our first real listen to Charlie Pace's hit single "You All, Everybody" which has to be one of the worst songs ever written. Charlie Pace is starting to get overwhelmed with the rock star life style and his brother is starting to get way into heroin. It's

Flash Forward.

Michael comes to the rescue at the cave. He worked construction for eight years which somehow makes him on expert on structural stability. Apparently building a Jack in the Box in West Brooklyn makes you an expert on cave in's. Walt wants to find Mr. Locke but Hurley explains that he's out in the forest "killing stuff". There is a quick cut to Locke in the forest playing jacks and singing "Oh La La" by Rod Stewart to himself softly. Michael comes up with a pretty reasonable plan to get into the cave without causing more cave ins and the crew gets to work.

Sawyer finds Kate in the forest to tell her about Jack but at the last second decides not to and they head off to continue their antenna quest.

Charlie Pace finds Locke and tells him about the cave in. Also, in unrelated news, he wants his drugs back. That's two. Instead of giving Charlie Pace his drugs back, he shows him a moth cocoon and starts talking about silk and how moths have to fight their way out of the cocoon to make themselves stronger. Locke could help out the moth by opening the cocoon a little but then the moth would be too weak to survive. Apparently he's trying to get Charlie Pace to forget about his drug craving by telling him the most boring facts he can think of.

The cave digging crew breaks through a little, there's a small hole that they can yell into.
Michael: Jack, we're gonna get you out of there.
Jack: Yeah, okay. Who's out there?
Hurley: Umm... Me, the fat guy, my kid, the asian lady...
Jack: Oh Jesus... Oh Jesus Christ. Isn't there anyone else? That Iraqi solder or the guy who can kill boars? Oh Jesus...

Charlie Pace appears at the perfect moment to crawl in the cave. He points out that he's the only one with nothing to lose and then
Charlie Pace, the once and future King Doctor, enters the cave. The irony is that now the people outside have everything to lose: Charlie Pace.

Sawyer is still trying to sweet talk Kate and then he accidentally lets it drop that Jack's buried in a cave. Kate leaves him with the antenna responsibilites. Sawyer agrees, happy to be part of a main storyline.

As Charlie Pace is crawling through the tunnel, (Flashback!) he thinks back to the worst tie he ever bought, and also some stuff about his brother being a jerk. Charlie Pace kicks all the ladies out of the dressing room and yells at his brother for missing sound check and being drunk and some other stuff. Charlie Pace wants to pull the plug on the whole operation, but his brother continues to be a jerk and tells him that he's useless and there will be no quitting of bands anytime in the near future. This causes Charlie Pace to begin his love affair with drugs and booze.

Flash Forward.

Let's leave sex and drugs behind and return to crawling through caves. Charlie Pace triumphantly makes it to Jack just in time for the tunnel to collapse behind Charlie Pace. Bad news for Jack and Charlie Pace. At least they have some company. They get the big rock off of Jack's arm but Jack is just all around dissappointed with the rescue effort.

Kate's all scared. A little bit about Jack being dead, but also probably a little bit that the new king doctor will be Hurley and she'll have to be his queen. She starts digging frantically.


Charlie Pace goes to visit his older brother who has settled down and started a family and bought some buddy holly glasses and a sweater. Charlie Pace wants to start up the band again, but older brother doesn't want to. How the tables have turned! Also, now Charlie Pace is the one with a drug problem. Charlie Pace storms off to catch his plane.

Flash forward.

Jack knows that Charlie Pace is going through withdrawl and they have a touching heart to heart and talk about death and religion and start praying to the rock god. Just then Charlie Pace sees a "bloody moth" in the cave. He finds a small hole and bursts through the goddamn cave wall, saving himself and also Jack, I guess. Huzzah for Charlie Pace! Now, once again second in line for King Doctorhood.

Kate gives Jack a big hug, and Hurley gives... Charlie Pace a big hug and laughes a lot. It's good to be loved.

Meanwhile, Sayid sets off his rocket and annoying girl almost drops the ball, but she manages to come through for once. We finally see the last rocket that Sawyer was in charge of. Sayid turns on his trangulator thingy and right when he's about to get some answers a disembodied log hits him in the head.

Back in West Caverberg, Jack is helping Charlie Pace go through the withdrawl. Grooming him to be the next King Doctor. Charlie Pace decides to walk off and find Locke, Kate makes Jack a sling out of what looks to be Hurley's old underpants, and Michael and Walt decide they want to live in West Caverberg.

Charlie Pace asks for his drugs back for the third time, and being the reasonable man that he is, Locke gives the heroin back to the shaking drug addict who is now covered in dirt. Charlie Pace shows his true calibur, though, and tosses the bag into the fire. Then he tries to pull it out, burns his fingers, and cries a little, but in the end he's kicked the habit, or he's at least out of drugs. Charlie Pace.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

Episode 5: House of the Rising Sun

This episode is based on our good friends, the Korean couple. It starts with Sun trying to help a flower grow. She did not understand photosynthesis when it was explained to her in grade school. Meanwhile, her husband is catching and beating fish to death quite unceremoniously. This causes Sun to remember a time before they were married. She was the daughter of a rich Korean man and he was a... waiter or somthing. It's hard to read the subtitles and type at the same time. Anyways, they want to get married, and he gives her a flower and all that. It's quite endearing. But not in any way more interesting than an island with monsters and polar bears. Disappointment number 1.

Flash forward, the Korean guy just starts beating the hell out of Michael for no reason. He tries to drown him and Walt is freaking out. Luckily for Michael, Sayid and the jerkface tackle Korean guy and handcuff him to what's left of the plane. What's black and white and lost all over? I don't know but that Korean guy is going to have one hell of a sunburn before this day is done.

In other Charlie Pace related news, Jack, Kate, Charlie Pace, and Locke all venture out to that cave that Jack found to get some water. Charlie Pace is annoyed by Jack and Kate's flirting. Charlie Pace really needs a friend. A friend that isn't Locke. They decide to rummage through the tail end of the plane that is located near the waterfall to see if they can find anything useful. Jack tells them to look for drugs and medical supplies, which reminds Charlie Pace that he has a drug addiction. He steals away to get a fix when Locke freaks the hell out of him by saying in a low, scary voice, "Don't move." It's not what you think, though. It's a beehive, Charlie Pace.

Back at camp, they're trying to figure out why Korean guy tried to kill Michael. That whole language barrier thing is proving to be, well, a barrier. Michael says that where he's from, Korean people don't like black people. However, he has mistaken "where he's from" with a youtube video he saw where an animated Kim Jhong-Il punches Jimmy Walker in the face.


Sun's father has given them permission to get married. Huzzah! Huzzah forever! He even got a job with Sun's father. She... is not as happy about this as you would think, but hey, she got a sweet ring out of the deal. Still don't care. Disappointment number 2.

Flash present.

Jack is going to try to cover the bee hive with a suitcase or something, but Charlie Pace steps on the hive and, oh god, there's bees everywhere! Jack and Kate run into the cave and start getting naked. "Kate! We'd better take... our pants off too! Bee's hate pants. Pants make them angry!" And then woooaahahhah! There's like a freaky ass mummy or something in the cave. This is some weird stuff going on right here. The bees... are gone. Randomly. They don't like mummies, I assume.

Locke and Charlie Pace meet up with them in the cave, and Charlie Pace is upset that Jack and Kate left them behind. He hands Kate her shirt.
Kate: It was, uh, full of bees.
Charlie Pace: It was full of C's, actually.
I didn't even make that up. That is an actual line from the show. Oh, that Charlie Pace. He is a card.

Korean guy is getting pretty sunburnt, and I'm not talking about his wife.


Sun comes home to find a puppy trapped in a large gift box. Husband got it for her so that she'd have some company while he was working. She starts reminiscing about when all he could give her was a flower. I can sympathize. Dogs are so much work. Not as much work as the goddamn subtitles. Disappointment number 3.

Flash forward.

Locke wants to stay behind and help Charlie Pace look through the plane wreckage. Get to know him better. All that. Jack is pre-occupied with the logistics of carrying water back and forth. He starts putting together some early plans to set up camp over in West Caverberg.

Walt is as curious as I am about why Koreans don't like black people. Michael admits that he just made it up. He and Walt then have an awkward conversation about how much they know about each other. Michael at least knows Walt's birthday. He keeps a scrapbook full of his child support check receipts.


Korean husband comes home covered in ketchup or blood or something. Here is the first thing that I made a joke about that actually came true. He's in the mafia, or whatever you call a korean mafia. A... korafia? Looks like Sun's father is some kind of mob boss. However, I predicted this. Disappointment number 4.

Flash forward.

Kate is pooped. All this walking... she thinks Jack is checking her out, but really he's thinking about dikes. What? I mean for the water! In West Caverberg. Charlie Pace and Locke are rummaging through things, and Charlie Pace is still hankering for some heroin. Locke knows that Charlie Pace was in the popular rock group, Driveshaft. They become fast friends. Also, Charlie Pace misses his guitar.

It seems like Jack is the only one excited about West Caverberg. Sayid wants to stay on the beach. Kate is... skeptical, at best. We still don't really know why Korean husband tried to kill Michael, and Sayid apologizes for accusing Michael of starting it. He also convinces him to stay on the beach with him. Fat guy's going to West Caverberg! There's a glowing endorsement. He leaves and mysteriously the tide goes out.

Michael goes into the jungle to chop up some firewood (which Koreans totally hate, where he's from), and this is where my second joke prediction comes true. But not before a quick flashback.

Flashback. (See?)

Sun is planning on running away from home. She's packed three PBJ's, an extra shirt and her teddy bear. She'll stay up past 10pm if she wants to. Also, her interior decorator got her some new ID cards and arranged a fake kidnapping. It's all set up. The interior decorator is even going to take care of the dog. Flawless plan.

Flash forward.

Back to my joke prediction. Turns out she knows English. Whaaaa?! I called it. Disappointment number 5. Her husband doesn't know. She explains that her husband tried to murder him because Michael is wearing a watch he found that belonged to Sun's father. Crazy! Where I'm from Koreans hate watches.

Locke finally just spills the beans about Charlie's drug problem and offers to help him out. It's gonna run out eventually anyways. He tells him that "the island" might give him his guitar back if he "gives something back to the Island."
"Does the island like to party?" Charlie Pace asks as he hands the drugs over to Locke. Locke then tells him to look up and wowzers! His guitar is stuck in a tree and undamaged! Huzzah!

Back on the beach, Kate decides that she doesn't want to move to West Caverberg with Jack. She seems pretty keen on getting off the island for someone who's supposed to be in prison. Tough call, I guess.

Michael goes crazy on that Korean guy and threatens him with a hatchet and yells at him in English. He gives him the watch back and then it looks like he's going to kill him with the axe, but instead he chops the handcuff chain in half. They're not exactly best buds, but at least that problems is resolved.


Sun is at the airport, all ready to get "kidnapped" but at the last second decides she loves her husband and gets on the plane with him, and we're left to assume that it is the plane that crashes which is why we're all watching this show. Disappointment number 6.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is happily tuning up his guitar in West Caverberg when the new citizens all arrive. Fat guy, Koreans, Jack... the whole gang. We have another touching montage with fat guy listening to his headphones. Everyone's all introspective, even back on the beach. Walt is asking about Michael's birthday, Locke is just burning stuff for the fun of it, and Jack and Kate miss each other. Aww. Barf.


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Episode 4: White Rabbit

Episode 4, "White Rabbit" opens with a Malcom in the Middle episode. A small child is getting beat up by some older boys and another small child, named Jack, also getting beat up. It sounds dull, I know... and it kind of is. The action picks up, though, when Charlie Pace wakes Jack up from a daydream to let him know that someone is drowning in the ocean and that he, Charlie Pace, can't swim. It's very lucky for him that they crashed on one of the tiny bits of land that exists in the Pacific Ocean. But enough about Charlie Pace. Well, you can never really say enough about Charlie Pace, but for the moment, let's concentrate on Jack and the mystery drowning person.

Jack dives into the water and eventually pulls up that one bratty kid. The boy. The boy who claimed to be a lifeguard in the pilot episode. He's a pretty shitty lifeguard, though, because there's a woman out even farther who is drowning. Jack is faced with a difficult choice, save the kid or save the girl. Since he already has a girlfriend on the island, and the girl is much farther out, he brings in the kid.

The woman who drowned was named Joanna and she wasn't a real character on the show. Episode 4 is actually a cautionary tale, which is coincidentally my new favorite phrase. The lesson learned here is that it is perilous to be a plot device on a show like this. Always have a story line.

Jack sees that crazy guy in a suit wandering around in the ocean again and we find out that he hasn't really been sleeping. Meanwhile, Walt is brushing his teeth with a small plant.
"Where'd you learn that?" Michael asks him.
"From Sun." (That's the Korean lady on the Island.)
"Sure you did, buddy. And maybe tonight the moon will teach you how to shut up and behave. Don't swallow that sea water."
"Because sea water makes you thirsty."
"Oh I don't know! Ask the Sun, if it's so goddamn smart!"

Some other interesting conversations going on...
-The bratty girl and that asshole have a riling conversation about the budding Island economy.
-The pregnant girl and Kate talk about hair brushes and astrology. It's a regular slumber party. Kate is a Gemini, by the way.

You can start caring again when Charlie Pace, Jack, and the fat guy all discover that there's not much water left on the Island. Luckily, there's water all around in that ocean. Unfortunately it makes you more thirsty for an unexplained reason. Jack gets all worked up about making decisions because he doesn't want to be king doctor (kdoctor, if you will) of the island anymore, and frankly, he's getting fussy and needs a nap.


Jack's a kid and some guy in a shirt and tie, who I'm going to guess is his... dentist? Maybe? Anyways, the guy tells Jack that he shouldn't have tried to help that kid who was getting beat up at the beginning of the episode, also something about how saltwater makes you thirsty that I didn't pay attention to. Once again, a cautionary tale. The lesson learned here is that trying is the first step to failing. Therefore, you shouldn't try to do anything. I had the same talk with my dentist when I was a kid.

Flash forward.

That bratty kid chews Jack out for saving his life instead of that woman. He claims that he was fine, which seems odd since Jack pulled him up from under the water, half passed out and sputtering water around. Then the kid tells Jack that "you're not the only one who knows what to do around here" and "I run a business!", which, once again, seems like an odd thing to say. I don't see how selling setting up A/V equipment for your friend's local band has anything to do with surviving on a desert island, but I guess we should cut him some slack. They're all under a lot of pressure. In the middle of the tantrum Jack just totally zones out. While pondering why salt water only makes him more thirsty, he sees that suit guy again and runs after him. The kid doesn't really appreciate this, but no one really cares what he thinks. He can't even lifeguard right for christsake.

Jack catches up to suit guy and he turns around and Jack goes, "Dad?" and then the guy looks at him funny and walks into the forest. Since he's just Jack's dentist, he's probably real sick of Jack calling him dad and chasing him around all the time.


Jack's mom is apparently telling him that his dentist ran off and she wants Jack to go find him. Jack is a full grown man now, and he understandably doesn't want to. He probably has different insurance and a new dentist by now, but his mom's real pushy, you know the type, and she makes him go to Australia anyways.

Flash Forward.

The pregnant lady faints and they carry her "inside" which is actually just "under a tarp". She comes to and they try to give her some water, but OH NOES! The water is totally teh stolenz, except for the ocean, but I've already argued that case. They decide that they should find some water. Actually, they decide that Locke should find some water. That guy has a new lease on life. All it takes is some magic socks.

Meanwhile, Jack's running through the jungle like a crazy person, looking for his dentist, when Flashback! He's talking to a hotel employee. He finds out that his dentist was really drunk and they had to kick him out. Flash Forward. Things are moving real fast now. Read this part as though I'm saying it in a hurried panic. He's back in the jungle, chasing his dentist around and watch out Jack! He falls off a cliff. Seriously. This is some Wile E Coyote shit going on here. He grabs onto some plants before falling to his death, hangs there for a few seconds, and then starts reassuring himself. "Okay, Jack, think back to what you learned in scouts. You're a main character, it's the fourth episode, you're gonna be fine." Once again, a cautionary tale. As one would expect, Jack is fine. Locke comes along and pulls him up, which is nice, but he really should be looking for some water. The water is key, Locke.

Back at camp, there's still no water. Well, there's a little, and Charlie Pace gives it to the pregnant girl. They become fast friends. Good for Charlie Pace. He charms her by making fun of Locke and his "400 knives" which is not really sporting of him, but I'll let him have it. He needs a friend. A friend that isn't a bald, creepy guy with a knife collection who seems to have a penchant for killing things.

The Koreans have some water, which is suspicious. There's some yelling and a lot of talking loudly and slowly, which transcends the language barrier for the first time in human history. They Koreans point to the asshole guy and Kate wants to go talk to him. Sayid tells her to wait though because if she goes over there now he will give her nothing, but it she waits...

Sayid isn't really the poster child of patience, though, as 5 seconds later he punches the guy in the face and yells "Where is the water!?" I like it. Kind of a Jack Bauer approach to problem solving. But not really effective.

Jack and Locke talk about leadership and how Jack doesn't want to be the island king... doctor... kdoctor... and how he's going crazy and keeps seeing his dentist. Locke starts talking about Alice in Wonderland, which is the episode's namesake. Locke continues to talk about magic and how there's magic on the island and maybe Jack's magic dentist isn't a hallucination, but perhaps a magic hallucination. Magic anyone? Easy to say when you're the one with the magic socks, but I'm willing to bear with him for a while. Weren't you looking for water, man? People are dying. Oh. There he goes. Locke goes to find water and tells Jack to keep chasing after his imaginary magic dentist so that he can be a leader. I'm not making this up. Okay, the part about his dentist I'm making up. I think that's actually supposed to be his father, but I think dentist is funnier.


Jack's father/dentist (more commonly know as a fdentist) is dead. He has to go ID the body and the coroner brings him into a room with a body bag.
Coroner: As coroner I must aver I thoroughly examined her, and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.
Jack: Umm... (looks at body) Yeah that's him.
Coroner: My deepest condolences.

Flash forward.

Back to chasing people through jungles for Jack. By some miracle he comes across a waterfall that feeds into a fresh water spring or something and there's all these creepy porcelain china dolls around, and even creepier, there's a coffin, which we find out is Jack's dad/dentist's coffin. Jack throws it open and, holy balls, there's nobody (or no body) in it! Looks like someone else was wearing magic socks! Jack smashes the shit out out that coffin with a log.

Charlie Pace find the bratty kid trying to give the pregnant girl some water. Turns out he stole it all in some backwards attempt to be a leader. He who has the water has the power, as they say. Well, he's about to get pummeled to death by the other castaways but Jack shows up at the last second and gives a rousing speech about organization and survival and tells everyone how he found some water and basically talks about how awesome he is. This seems to sit well with everyone, especially about how if they don't work together they're all going to die alone.

Everyone drinks some water, even the dog, and they all feel pretty good. The asshole rubs it in the kids face how everyone hates him, Jack and Kate exchange some vague words, and then the episode ends.


(Bad Robot)

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Episode 3: Walkabout

Episode three is titled "Walkabout" and it begins with Locke admiring his gold toe socks after the plane crash. Let me be the first to say that gold toes are great, high quality socks, and if I found myself stranded on an island, I would be very grateful to discover that I wore durable socks. Flash forward to night time and Locke is probably pissed he found that dog cause now it won't shut up. What is it girl? or Boy... Vincent? Oh there's something in whatever remains of the plane. Let's all go look. Nevermind the monsters and bears that live here. Turns out it's just some boars though. Locke is understandably excited. He used to have some bet boars. That is actually a typo, but now that I see it, I like to think that he kept some boars that he liked to place bets on for races and what have you.

King Jack decrees that the bodies must be burned before more animals or frankensteins come looking for a free meal. There's some argument but the pharaoh has spoken. The bodies will be burned next evening and perhaps the gigantic fire will attract some attention. They all start playing the collect firewood game the next morning. The Iraqi, whose name I swear I will try to figure out this episode, is trying to figure out where the french transmission is coming from.

Walt wants to hang out with Locke and see what he has in his mysterious silver suitcase but Michael for some reason still doesn't trust Locke. "At least he talks to me!" Walt's words burn into Michael's soul like acid. He appropriately responds by not talking to his son. Sad day, though, all the food has been eaten, most of it by that fat guy and his pregnant friend. They're both eating for two. Locke's suitcase turns out to be full of knives...? He may be creepy as hell, but at least he's useful. He makes a plan to go hunt some of those boars.


Locke gets a phone call from some guy that calls him "Colonel Locke" and they make some plans to rendezvous or something right before Locke's punk ass supervisor chews him out for taking personal calls at work.

Flash forward.

Kate, Locke and Michael are going off to hunt some boar, but Kate has some other plans. She's going to plant a triangulator... thing... for that Iraqi guy. Michael convinces the asian lady to watch Walt. The pregnant girl asks Jack to give a eulogy for the people in the plant but Jack is not a religious man. Also he is terrified of public speaking, and monsters. The annoying kid notices that the nice black lady has been sitting alone the whole time and talks to his sister about cheering her up. "What's a four letter word for I don't care?" She quips. Oh she's a quick one. Then she makes some plans to catch some fish so that she doesn't go hungry. Finally, someone realizes that there's a ocean of opportunity all around them. Literally. An ocean of opportunity. You just got Pulitzered.

Annoying girl recruits Charlie Pace to do some fishing for her. Oh Charlie Pace, you lovable sap.

The castaways are making some good use of a totally random wheelchair they found to collect firewood. The annoying kid makes Jack go cheer up the nice black lady, probably due to the fact that he comes from a WASPy family, and he himself is quite afraid of all black people. Jack tries to talk to her, but she's not having any of it.

The hunt is going... boring. They're just kind of walking around. Talking about Walt, what they were doing in Australia, what their favorite YES albums are... normal small talk. Oh but shhh. Lock finds a tree and points at it for a while. No one knows why. He tells Michael to... steal second, I presume, and then a Pumba comes out and rams Michael. They lay on the ground for a while and Locke once again is thankful for those goldtoes.

Flashback. Locke's not a real colonel! He's simply an Axis and Allies enthusiast. At least he's not a dick, like his boss, who makes fun of him for wanting to go on a "walkabout" journey through the australian outback. Oh. I get it. Walkabout. Anyways, his boss makes fun of him some more, and Locke talks about how this walkabout is his destiny.

Flash Forward. Locke wakes up from a pleasant nap to discover that Michael's leg is all boared up and shit. Whoops. Good luck with that, buddy. Locke's off to hunt some boar. He reassures them that he's fine and that he can do this, but I think he's missing the point that Michael can no longer walk and Kate weights about 115 pounds. Also, the monsters.

Fat guy and Charlie pace are trying to learn how to spear fish, but clearly neither of them is familiar with Snell's Law. I can't resist an opportunity to lay some Snell's Law on you. Don't give up guys. There's a learning curve for these things. A learning curve with a particularly steep upside that hopefully you can ascend before you all die of hunger.

Nice black lady finally opens up to Jack. Her husband's hands swell up in the air so he left the ring of power with her on a necklace. She tells him he's nice and he talks about being a doctor. Each of them is equally bored by the other as I am by this scene.

Flashback. This actually makes me sad because I kind of like Locke, but apparently he has some relationship with a girl on what I assume is a phone sex line. He bought her a ticket to go with him on his walkabout, but she's not allowed to meet customers. She shoots him down and he gets very sad. Poor guy. He just needs a friend.

Flash forward. Kate's carrying a limping Michael back to camp but they have to take a quick stop so she can climb a tree and put the transciever booster all up in there. She climbs like a damn monkey, that girl. Oh, but scary, that tree knocking over monster is out again. Either that or Locke is just stabbing some trees. Speaking of Locke, while he's hunting boar, he runs into the monster, though, you can't really see it, actually. It might just be a very tall camera man.

Kate and Michael make it back to camp okay. Walt seems concerned but worry not. It is but a scratch. A scratch! If you ask for him tomorrow, you probably will not find him a grave man. There's some general worry about getting food and if Locke is alive. Charlie Pace saves the day again! He caught a fish and then discovers that that bitch just played him like a fiddle. It stings, I'm sure.

The nice black lady's name is Rose. Nice. Check that one off the list. Anyways, she's not convinced that her husband is dead. Jack tries to talk some sense into her and tells her that everyone in the tail section of the plane is dead. "They're probably thinking the same thing about us."
"Dead people don't think, Rose." Replied Jack as he walked away.
Jack then sees a strange man in a suit walk into the forest. Spooky.

I guess that transciever that Kate was entrusted with broke when she dropped it out the tree. The Iraqi is a little pissed and says a few select phrases about why they do not entrust women with transcievers in his country. Jack walks over to reassure her, but then sees that suit guy again. He runs over to the forest only to discover Locke. Covered in blood.
"I couldn't find any boar, so I just killed this guy in a suit!"

But forget about dinner because, oh boy! It's plane burning time! The pregnant girl gives the worst eulogy ever, making it clear who the real boar is on the island. Charlie Pace runs off to either reapply his adhesive denture power or to do some heroin. They never really say. Jack gets some "me" time, and Flashback!

Locke isn't allowed to go on the walkabout because holy balls! He's wheelchair bound! Turns out his socks are not only comfortable, fashionable and affordable. They're also magic. Goldtoe: Enlighten your feet.

Flash forward. Locke gives a smirk to his old wheelchair.
"May you help a crippled man in hell, old friend," he mutters as the screen fades to a fiery black.


P.S. That Iraqi's name is Sayid.

Thursday, February 28, 2008

Lost Season 1, Episode 2: Tabula Rasa

Previously on Lost... Episode 1 happened.

Episode two is titled "Tabula Rasa" which is Latin for "Episode Two". Our dear friend the US Marshall doesn't waste any time showing Jack some hot mug shots of Kate. Jack writes it off to the ramblings of a crazy person.

Meanwhile, the hike is not going well.

While sitting around a campfire, the Iraqi recreates their flight and ensuing crash on the island with a rock (the island) and a stick which is on fire (as the plane) which, I'm sure, was a little too symbolic for the rest of the castaways. They realize that there is probably no hope because of that French transmission that had been playing for the past 16 years. It's unanimous though, they're going to lie to everyone and tell them that there is, indeed, hope.

Back at camp, Jack and the fat guy talk about how the US Marshall is probably going to die right in front of the poor guy. Fat guy finds the hot mug shot and has one of his trademark freak outs in which he mutters "uh, dude?" a lot. Thus sets up the plot of Episode 2. For those of you just joining us here's a bulleted list

-There's no hope.
-Jack and fat guy now know that Kate once had a mug shot taken of her.

There's some tension about the gun back at camp. They agree to let Kate hold onto it, being the least threatening of the bunch. Oh Sweet Irony! But it's flashback time. Kate is sleeping in a barn with some pigs, like an animal, when an old Australian man finds her. She's quite mysterious, Canadian, and a strong walker, apparently. As for the old man, he has "a hell of a mortgage", a farm he can't take care of and a missing arm. I didn't catch that he was missing an arm the first time I watched this, and thus missed a lot of great arm pun opportunities and also was a little freaked out when his arm comes off later in the episode. Kate decides to lend him a hand in exchange for a place to stay.

The hikers return to camp and flat out lie to everyone. "Oh it's totally cool. Give me your batteries and I'll make the transceiver so awesome." Kate can't keep a goddamn secret, though, and blabs to Jack first chance she gets. She obviously doesn't believe that Jack deserves hope. Jack could give a shit, though, he wants to know what's up with the mug shot. She probably committed credit fraud or something, who cares? Get over it, man. Well, turns out he does get over it. Fat guy, on the other hand, doesn't. He wants to let US Marshall handle it when he gets better but they need some stronger antibiotics. That means it's time for everyone's favorite past time: grave robbing. Jack heads into the plane and runs into that jerk. They commiserate and share tips on robbing the dead. It looks like the robbing went better for asshole than it did for Jack. Then again, porn and cigarettes are more common on an airplane than tetracycline.

As for the rest of our buddies...
The asian guy sends his wife off to get herself cleaned up, Charlie Pace flirts with the pregnant girl, and the cowardly fat guy and Kate have an awkward moment. He notices that she now has a gun and totally freaks out and calls her "dude" a few times.

It starts to rain and everyone runs around setting up tarps and bottles to collect it so that they can have water. Kate checks up on her old friend the Marshall just in time for a flashback!

Kate's making a withdrawal from her bean can bank. The old Australian man apparently pays her $10 a month. Judging by the bills she pulls out. They have a heartwarming exchange and he offers to drive her to the train in the morning instead of her having to walk all night.

Flash forward, the US Marshall starts choking Kate with the very last of his strength, but Jack saves her. Marshall's not doing so hot these days. He needs water and luckily it's pouring out so Jack just drags him out of the tent into the rain and tells him to open his mouth. For a group of people literally surrounded by an ocean, they sure worry about water a lot. It sounds like the end is near for Mr. Marshall, but not soon enough judging by the sounds coming out of him and Kate suggests putting him out of his misery. That's when Jack decided to drop the Mug shot bomb. Harsh.


In the car with ol' one arm who we find out is the only other person on Earth besides me who still listens to Patsy Cline. All of a sudden a younger, healthier, shrapnel free Marshall is driving behind them in a pickup. That fucking dirt farmer sold Kate out. In his defense, he does have one hell of a mortgage.

Flash forward.

Michael and his kid have a little talk about the kid hanging out with Mr. Locke. Michael is worried about his son and being trapped on a desert Island but all the kid cares about is where his dog is. First off, I thought that Vincent was a person up until this point (it's the dog's name). Second, what airline lets you bring big dogs on the damn plane? Third, did the dog have a seatbelt on? Michael goes to look for the mutt in the forest. You know. Where the monster is. He thinks he's being chased by the monster and totally freaks out only to run in on the asian lady bathing. So much better than a monster.

Charlie Pace tries to make friends with Locke. Stick to women, Charlie Pace.

The Iraqi and Jack have a heart to heart. Jack tells him that he's trying to save the guy's life and the Iraqi lets Jack in on a little rumor going around. Mean whilst, Kate and that jerkface build a bonfire and talk about mercy killings and have a few laughs. They talk about the poetic justice involved in using the last bullet to kill the guy. I'd be more worried about polar bears. In fact, I'm always worried about polar bears. Those things are mean! The Marshall uses his last remaining moments on this Earth to badmouth Kate a little more to Jack.

Flashback again!

Kate crashes the truck in a desperate attempt to get away from Marshall, or just to stick it to her farmer friend. She may be going to jail, but she'll die before she lets him have a working truck. After the crash she cools off a bit and decides to drag the guy out of his now burning vehicle. I guess she's not so bad after all. Poor choice, though, cause the Marshall catches up to her.

Flash Forward.

We find out that right before the crash Kate asked Marshall for a favor. Turns out she wanted to make sure the farmer got his money. He did, after all, have one hell of a mortgage. This now makes me wonder if that guy ever DID get his money. Does it still count if she's pronounced dead a week after her plane goes missing over the pacific ocean?

The end of the episode is just a big downer. The asshole tries to mercy kill the Marshall (surprise it's not Kate, also it's at the request of the Marshall) but turns out he's an idiot and shoots him in the chest. You always have to put one in the head, jerk. Shooting a man in the lung does not making dyeing less painful. Jack has to clean up everyone else's mess again and presumably chokes the guy to death. Everyone feels real bad, especially the Marshall, and that's the end for him.

In the morning, Mr. Locke starts blowing into a dog whistle he made only to see eight angry polar bears run out of the forest. No, I'm just kidding, he uses the whistle to find Vincent, who I will remind you is actually a dog. He lets Michael take the credit for finding the dog, being the good natured man that he is. The kid, Walt, is happy. The dog, Vincent, looks pissed. Probably because he was free to run around the island for a glorious day and now he's stuck on a leash again. Last time he'll run toward a mysterious high pitched noise.

Jack decides that Kate deserves a second chance for on this island he is judge, jury and executioner, and his word is law. Lets hope he's also a good monster killer.

This episode earns an orange frown for being generally depressing except for the upbeat musical montage at the end where you find out that the asian guy loves his wife, the annoying kid fixes his sisters sunglasses, Charlie Pace draws on his fingers some more, the iraqi gives the asshole a fruit, and Vincent who is a dog is reunited with Walt who is a kid, and Walt has renewed respect for Mercutio... I mean Michael.



Thursday, February 21, 2008

Lost Season 1: Pilot Episode

The pilot episode begins with a well dressed man waking up in an unkempt field or yard full of bamboo and overgrown plants.  This man has either been a part of some catastrophe or just woke up from a month long bender in which he neglected to mow the lawn.  Our spiffed up swashbuckler slowly regains consciousness and checks himself for injuries, finding some apparent discomfort in his ribular region.  Being the brave Adonis that he is, he immediately forgets all injuries and goes for a top speed sprint through the bamboo forest, I assume because he likes to work out in the morning or because he was still a little drunk and thought he was trapped in House of Flying Daggers.  At this point, I think we can all agree that he is Lost.

Our hero emerges from the bamboo forest to discover there has been an accident of some sort.  A plane crash, judging from the giant jet engine that is somehow still running in the background.  As you might imagine there are a number of injured, pregnant, and obese people lying about.  Luckily, Suity McBriskjog is, amongst other things, a doctor and he sets to work saving lives.  He uses his med school training to pull a man out from under the still active jet engine, checks up on a pregnant woman, finds her a fat friend, and makes a conscious effort to not do anything to help a guy with a piece of shrapnel in his abdomen.  Meanwhilst, hold on to your hat... or your entire body because some gravitationally challenged man gets sucked into the jet engine.  An explosion ensues, and we, the viewers, are left to assume that he is one of the lucky ones.

Through a series of conversations, we discover that our favorite spiffy savior is, sadly, named Jack.  He finds a "lifeguard" giving some sloppy CPR to an unconscious black woman.  Jack chastises him for not being a doctor and also for blowing a bunch of air into the woman's stomach.  He performs some doctor grade CPR on her for a few seconds until she wakes up and exclaims, "Oh thank God!  I was fine until that young man started blowing a bunch of air into my stomach." Jack then sends the kid on the pointless mission of finding as many different colored pens as possible. That is not even a joke.

Throughout all of this, we start to meet some of the other friends we'll be stuck with for an indeterminable amount of time:  The fat guy, the asians, the bald guy, the Iraqi, the black guy, the black kid, the best character on the show, some asshole, a couple of annoying kids, the girl who will obviously fall for Jack later, Shrapnel belly, and old black lady...  Exactly the kind of cultural cross section you'd expect to meet in the coach section of a commercial airliner.  It should be noted that this is the point where most of them start to wish they had watched more Survivor.  Damn you CBS.

Seeing that the situation was as under control as possible, Jack decided to steal away to a private beach to examine his own wounds.  Turns out he had a pretty nasty gash taken out of his back.  Luckily he had some stitching supplies and a lot of booze, which was sadly wasted on disinfecting his wounds.  Kate, the aforementioned probable love interest, swings by to check up on Jack.  He asks her, "Hey, do you know how to use a needle and thread?  Ever... patch up a pair of jeans or something?"
"I made the drapes in my apartment," She responds.
"I didn't ask what you did with your old prom dress.  I want to know if you can stitch up my back."

Well, needless to say, she obliges and Jack reminisces about a time he exploded some poor girl's spinal sack and nerves poured out like a broken faucet and then teaches Kate how to count to five.  He's an old fashioned romantic.

We witness some sibling bickering, there's 5 or 6 "That's what she said" joke opportunities every time the best character on the show is onscreen (who shall henceforth be know as Charlie Pace), the asians seclude themselves from the rest of the group and start making sushi, and the pregnant girl makes friends with a man who looks like he could be pregnant.  She says that she hasn't felt the baby move since the crash, which is sad. More so for the baby, but also for her and the hungry fat man who may have been planning on eating it. Eventually.

Oh, but wait, FLAHSBACK!  Jack's on the plane, looking to get his drunk on, but that bitch stewardess totally ripped him off on a weak ass drink.  She comes around after he makes some thinly veiled insults toward her bar-tending skills.  She slips him about 90 tiny plane crash proof bottles of vodka which will be quite useful as disinfectants or booze after the ensuing plane crash.  Jack makes some small talk with a friendly black woman sitting next to him when the plane hits some turbulance.  At this point, Jack flat out lies to her and tells her that it's "normal" and everything is "fine".  Then there's that crash I mentioned earlier. Flash present!

Jack has sat idle for too long.  It's time to go find the other half of the plane and hopefully a transceiver.  Kate decides to go along because... what the hell, why not.  Jack decides she's going to need some better shoes if she's going on the hike so she just flat out steals them from a dead guy. Also joining them is Charlie Pace, declaring, "And so we shall be the fellowship of the transceiver."

Oh also, something starts knocking over a bunch of trees and an ominous rainstorm hits the island.  Spooky. Jack, Kate, and Charlie Pace set out to find the plane cabin.  We find out that Charlie Pace is/was the bassist for a mildly successful rock band and then Jack and Kate go about ignoring him for the rest of the trip to the plane.  They somehow find it in the middle of the jungle and climb up to the cockpit.  Charlie Pace seems to disappear, a zombie falls out of the cockpit door, and then they start looking for the transceiver.
Kate: What does it look like?
Jack: Well, it kind of looks like a transmitter and a
reciever all built into one unit.
Kate: I don't know what either of those things look like.
Jack: Well then we're in trouble because I'm still a little drunk.

But lo and behold, the pilot is still alive, and it's that delightful mind-reader guy from Heroes!  I'll bet he's pretty busy, being on two shows and all... oh.  No.  Nevermind.  He gets his skin ripped off by a monster or a dinosaur or a frankenstein or something.  You can't really see it.  Seems kind of silly to name the episode after a character who gets killed four minutes after they introduce him. Anyways, better luck on Heroes.  Charlie Pace?  Oh. He's just in the bathroom.  Getting sick?  Naturally.   Before the pilot died he did manage to let everyone know that he effed up bad and they're like 1000 miles off course. Long story short, no one's coming. Time to make a run for it from the frankenstein though.

When running from a mysterious predator, always remember that you don't have to run fast.  You just have to run faster than Charlie Pace.  It should be noted that Charlie Pace is not a strong runner or avoider of coil like plants.  That being said, Charlie Pace goes down in the mud.  Jack, being the bleeding heart liberal that he is, decides to go back to help out, leaving Kate all by her lonesome to hide behind a stick of bamboo, cry, and count to five.  Then suddenly, who should find her but Charlie Pace himself.  She knocks him over and falls on him in the confusion only to discover that now Jack is missing!
"I'm going to go find him," she says
Charlie Pace protests, "There's a crazy huge monster out there!"
"Then don't come."
"That's what she said.... wait! YOU ALL EVERYBODY!"

Turns out Jack's fine.  He is a doctor after all. The fellowship returns to discover they missed the start of fight club.  The Iraqi and the Asshole got in a fight because, surprise, the asshole thinks it's the Iraqi's fault that the plane crashed.  Every party needs a bad boy.  The fight gets broken up and turns out the Iraqi is an expert on transcievers.  He volunteers to repair it.  

Meanwhile, being the forward thinking industrious people that they are, the asians have prepared some sample sushi dishes and they begin to offer them to the various denizens of the isle.  Sadly, not even the fat guy is open minded enough to try it.  The only person who gives it a shot is the pregnant girl.  A risky move seeing as how she's eating potentially poisonous raw fish for two, but a good move on her part becuase the fish turns out to be magical and her baby comes back to life and starts thrashing wildly in her belly.  She forces the asian man to feel it in what is the second most awkward moment of the episode.

Jack has a quick heart to heart with the black guy, Michael, about his son who is becoming a conneseur of foreign language comic books.  The kid runs off after his dad offers to buy him a new dog, but no dog can replace his Labradoodle (half Lab, half poodle).  The kid quickly makes friends with the creepiest guy on the island who is all too keen on the situation, probably for a number of sinister reasons.

Through a series of inconsequential events, half the people on the island decide to go on a "hike" to find some higher ground to get a better signal for the transceiver.  The new fellowship consists of the siblings, the Iraqi, Kate, the Asshole, and everyone's favorite scrapper... Charlie Pace.  As I'm sure will happen many times over as the series goes on, these hikers got much more than they bargained for when the asshole SHOOTS A FUCKING POLAR BEAR!  Most of the campers seem pretty concerned about where he got a gun (took it from the presumably dead air marshall). Me?  I'm more concerned about... why is there a goddamn polar bear on a tropical island?
Spoiler Alert:  When the series ends you find out that they're actually at the north pole but global warming has melted everything and the area has become a lush paradise... with monsters.  A little preachy, but relevant to today's social issues.

There's some speculation that the asshole guy is actually a criminal that was being transported on the plane and he says he was all sarcastically.  They manage to pick up a signal using the reciever function on the transciever
(it's multipurpose) and find out that someone else was stranded on the island and had been broadcasting an S.O.S. for about 16 years.  Total.  Buzzkill.

Oh, but wait.  Flashback.  Kate's on the plane and turns out she's the criminal!  The marshall gets smacked in the head by a briefcase when the plane starts going down, Kate fumbles around with his many keys and manages to unlock herself from her cuffs and get her oxygen mask on, which... somehow saved her life in the crash.

While everyone else is off poaching polar bears and being depressing, Jack and the fat guy are perfoming an emergency surgery on shrapnel belly.  Fat dude passes out and conveniently shrapnel belly wakes up and, surprise!  It's our good friend the US Marshall.

This episode earns an orange smile for being pretty intriguing. I can definitely see why people got so into this show.