Thursday, April 17, 2008

Season 1, Episode 9: Raised by Another

The episode opens like most television shows do: with a close up of an eyeball and babies crying. Wait, no, I take it back. Nothing ever starts like that. What a bunch of weirdos. The crying baby wakes up Claire (the pregnant girl, if you're just joining us) and naturally she walks into the monster/polar bear infested jungle. She finds Locke sitting at a table, sharpening some knives and he says some creepy stuff, so far pretty much what you'd expect. Then she finds a crib with an airplane mobile thing hanging over it, but there's no baby in the crib, just a bunch of... baby goo? Oh, surprise, it was a dream. Claire is freaked the fuck out and she's all screaming and crying and shit, but luckily for everyone Charlie Pace is there to talk her down.

Jack treats Claire's hands which she cut up with her own fingernails during the nightmare and they talk about babies but not in a fun exciting way. In more of a doctor boring way. She has to pee all the time. Great. That's this week's twist.


Some wiener looking guy is all nervous and asking Claire about the pregnancy test she just took. There's a lot of sit-com-ish confusion about how to work the pregnancy test but eventually Claire becomes pretty sure that she is. Wiener circle says that sometimes the tests are wrong because they "thought his uncle had testicular cancer". To which Claire responds, "Your uncle is dead, poindexter!"
"Well... yeah, but when he peed on the stick it said he was pregnant... so, you never know." They nervously make the bed, which is also what I do when I'm freaking out, and they decide that maybe they should keep the baby after listening to a choice Madonna song.

Flash forward.

Jack and Kate are staring into the middle distance out toward the ocean. They talk about sand and water for a little while... and the merits of both, and speaking of sand... the conversation turns to how Sayid's doing, but then quickly deviates back to things like carrying fish and having babies... the scene mercifully ends and cuts to...

Charlie Pace! is bringing some water to Claire. They talk about weird dreams they both have had. Charlie Pace's dream involves everything smelling like bacon which, like everything that Charlie Pace does, sounds wonderful. He kind of hits on Claire a little and awkwardly asks her out, sorta. She's a total bitch, though, and shoots him down. He plays it cool, but you know he's disappointed.


Claire and wiener schnitzel are going to move in together, but first her "friend" makes her go see a "psychic". Listen, readers, real friends don't make you see psychics. Interestingly, the psychic is the president of Russia, or at least, he is if you're like me and you think 24 is real. Which I do, and I also don't think that it's too far fetched to think that the president of Russia is moonlighting as a psychic in Australia. IHe does impress everyone though, because he can tell Claire is pregnant and she doesn't even look pregnant! So far he's 1 for 1, but then he totally freaks the fuck out and tells everyone to leave. No one saw that one coming! He is polite about it, though, if not a bit creepy. But then, who isn't creepy on this show?

Flash forward.

Claire's sleeping again and then someone sneaks up on her and brandishes a knife. She starts screaming and crying again and says that someone attacked her. Hurley and Charlie Pace go off to see if they can find the culprit. Not surprisingly, Hurley does not find anything, except an unending hunger that no dish made by man can quell. He does have some time to do some thinking, though, and he rambles about it for a while to Jack, and eventually gets to the damn point. His name isn't Hurley. It's Hugo Reyes, but then he actually gets to the point which is that he wants to take a census so that they can have an idea of who's all on the island. A census. Will the excitement never end?


Claire got drapes. Wiener dude decided he wants to be cool and he puts on this attitude and starts drinking beer and being aloof. Then he just flat out dumps Claire. He suddenly found out that babies are a lot of work and responsibility. Obviously not the brightest singularity in timespace. He's worried that he won't have time for his painting. Well, he's a shitty painter so no loss there. Claire yells at him but maybe she should be happy because that guy was a fucking wash.

Flash forward.

Hurley is conducting his census. Locke is not amused, but he goes along with it. Locke says some vague, weird stuff and Hurley stands there awkwardly and then leaves in a comical fashion. The writers have hit their stride. Meanwhile, Jack thinks that Claire was maybe just having a nightmare. This makes Charlie Pace mad, but the point is that Jack doesn't want her to freak herself out and go into early labor. To calm Charlie Pace down, Jack puts his arm around his shoulder and says to him, "Stick with me Charlie Pace. For someday, when I am gone, all of this will be yours. You will someday be King Doctor. Until then, I appoint you the royal minstrel of this island, and your first task will be to write a song chronicling the discovery and founding of West Caverberg.

Back at Hurley's census, he's talking to a freaky looking guy named Ethan. Ethan Rom. He's from Ontario... the backstory... so rich and thick... like strawberry syrup poured lovingly over a Grand Slam.

Claire's writing in her diary and Jack tries to tell her that he thinks it was all a dream and tries to give her some mild sedatives to calm her down. She gets a little upset, and starts packing her shit up to move back to South Beachton. Charlie Pace, once again, is not amused.


Claire goes back to see that psychic guy. She wants him to finish that reading they started... He will. Coolio. Umm... let's see... they breathe for a while... he closes his eyes... he figures out she got dumped, warns her the reading might be bad but she wants to go through with it... he sees some bad shit, I guess. Then he says that it is crucial that she raises the child alone and no one else can do it or else... bad. She gets freaked out and leaves and he yells at her a bit. Then he starts calling her at night to remind her that she can't put up the kid for adoption. Blah blah blah... you get the gist.

Flash present.

Charlie Pace meets up with Claire while she's walking back to South Beachton and tries to convince her to go back to the beach.

Hurley is continuing his census by talking to that annoying girl and her annoying brother. The boy makes some smart ass remark about Hurley setting up his own patriot act when he probably doesn't even know what the patriot act actually says. I know I don't. Hurley lets it slip that the reason he's doing it is because Claire got attacked at night to which the girl responds, "I am so not moving to the rape cave," and drops he bags down. "Hey," Hurley says, "Don't confuse us with East Caverberg." Well, the annoying kid proves himself useful for once and tells Hurley that maybe he should get his hands on the plane's manifest, sadly, Sawyer has it, which means that Hurley has to talk to Sawyer. Here's one of the series true great battles of the minds. Sawyer coughs it up. What a guy.

Charlie Pace and Claire are still walking through the jungle and Charlie Pace admits that he likes Claire. She starts going on about how she thinks that Charlie Pace just wants to rescue her but she doesn't need rescuing and with the comedic timing of a Ruth Buzzi, Claire goes into labor. Now she and Charlie Pace are both freaking out and Charlie Pace is acting all goofy. It's all pretty amusing. I thought I was watching Cheers for a minute, but sadly, no. This episode is actually about everybody not knowing your name.


Claire's meeting with the potential adoption parents and they seem nice, but she starts having second thoughts. I mean, when the president of Russia tells you to do something you do it. Hey! You get $20,000 when you put up a kid for adoption!? Not a bad deal. We all have kind of a sad moment while she starts to sign the paper, but the pen doesn't work, nor does the next pen... is this Saturday Night Live? No! It's the comedic stylings of the Lost writing staff. In a hilarious turn of events, Claire decides she can't go through with it and runs out of the room and straight to the psychic's house to hear about his "offer".

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is running through the forest all gang busters when he runs into Ethan who is... collecting sticks? Anyways, Charlie Pace tells him what's going down with Claire and tells him to run and get the good king doctor. Ethan, seeing the urgency of the situation, throws down his sticks and dashes off while Charlie Pace makes his way back to Claire. They both breathe together for a while.


The psychic found someone to adopt the kid. He's giving her $12,000 to give it to them. What the hell is this? Some kind of baby black market? That's not even a good offer. The legit adoption people were offering her $8,000 more than that. I guess it's a moot point though, since it's all Australian money.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace thinks that maybe the dude knew that the plane was going to crash and he tricked her into getting on it so that she'd crash on the island and she'd have to raise the kid alone.


Psychic dude says that it has to be that flight.

Flash forward.

Claire agrees. That asshole knew all along.

Meanwhile. Oh! It's Sayid. Running through the forest. Haven't seen him in a while.

Wait, back to Charlie Pace and Claire. The contractions maybe stopped. So... that's good, I guess. Everything worked out just fine. They decide to go back to the caves together and Charlie Pace promises he won't let anything happen to them.

Oh, back to Sayid. He meets up with Jack and Locke and tells them about the crazy French bitch. He's... been better and he tells them they're not alone and someone plays a trumpet really ominously. Bah. Bah. Bah. Bah. Bah!!!!

Hurley's the one running all gangbusters now and he says he cross references his census with the manifest and there was an extra dude.

Ethan shows up in the forest to meet Charlie Pace and Claire and he looks like a total fucking creep, and... wait. Oh. Um... the end.


Monday, April 14, 2008

Season 1, Episode 8: Solitary

Sayid is bored. Striking out on his own may have been a bad idea. He's just sitting on the beach, staring at some stock photos that you get when you buy a picture frame. You know the ones I'm talking about. Finally he sees something that piques his interest: A cable running from the forest out into the ocean. Maybe if he pulls hard enough he can pull the island back to some main body of land.

Jack is changing Sawyer's bandages and Sawyer is being a dick. Same old, same old. Jack gets annoyed and tells him to change his own bandages, also they are out of Hannah Montana ones. He finds Kate staring off into the distance dreamily, thinking about what Sayid is doing right now. Jack assures her that Sayid is a trained soldier, he'll be okay. What Jack doesn't realize is that Sayid was trained to be a soldier in Iraq, they didn't really cover jungle survival, but how different can the jungle be from the desert?

Turns out a lot. Sayid SEES a trip wire, stares at it for a few seconds and then proceeds to spring the trap which leaves him hanging upside down out of a tree by his ankle. Nice going, Jack, he's doing just great on his own. A good King Doctor wouldn't have let this happen. Cut to nighttime, Sayid is still hanging around, getting delusional from all the blood rushing to his head, but luckily for him, someone cuts him down. Too bad he passes out before he can see who it is.

Jack is treating an old Harry Potter's back rash. Hurley is worried about the general populace's spirits. Jack doesn't have time to worry about fun, though. "Things could be worse, Hurley."
"How?" Hurley responds. For once I agree with someone on this show.

Meanwhile, things are worse for Sayid. He's tied to an old bed mattress and an old French lady is shocking him with a car battery and asking him "Where is Alex?"
"Who's Alex? Did you name a polar bear Alex? Because if you did... umm... bad news..."


Sayid is interrogating some dude in another language. Luckily, with some camera tricks, they change the language to English so that I don't have to read subtitles. TAKE A HINT KOREAN STORY LINE. The dude he's torturing doesn't know anything. Afterwards, it sounds like Sayid is getting a promotion or something, but he stops paying attention when he sees a pretty lady walk by in handcuffs. I stopped paying attention when Charlie Pace was no longer on screen.

Flash present.

Locke comes back from a night hunt with some dude named Ethan. Total Dweeb. They found some suitcases, so they give them to Hurley to rummage through. He finds a kickass Hawaiian shirt. Score. Walt sneaks over to talk to Mr. Locke. He wants to go out hunting with him, but Michael catches him. Nice try, kid. Meanwhile, Hurley finds something in the suitcase worthy of him muttering, "Woah, dude," to himself. Judging by his reaction it could be anything from a new airplane to a half eaten Twix.

Sayid, on the other hand, is still getting shocks from a car battery. The crazy jungle lady starts talking in French. She's the lady from the recording! Oh, it's like they're old friends. Except she punches him in the face and he passes out. Judging from the flashbacks, perhaps they are old friends. He wakes up to find that absolutely nothing has changed. She seems to be the survivor of... something, and she talks about some other people, maybe. She starts asking who the woman is in those stock photographs he has. He has apparently named her Nadia.


Oh, it's the girl from the handcuff thing earlier. Sayid has to interrogate her. Bummer. Looks like they're friends or something. Or at least they used to be, when they were kids. Except she didn't punch him and he didn't pass out, so it's too early to tell. She used to pick on him. Well... the tables have turned. Payback is a bitch. She's been tortured before, though, so it's cool.

Flash forward.

French lady finds an old bullet wound that Sayid has. Makes some small talk. He's still tied to the bed frame. She asks about Nadia, he asks about Alex. Neither of them answer the other.

Cut to Walt, who is bored, it's as if he's watching this with me. Michael tells him to find a way to keep himself entertained. Hurley, on the other hand, is almost beside himself with amusement for some unknown reason. Jack is just happy he doesn't have to look at him for a while.

Back at crazy French lady's house, she doesn't believe Sayid about, well, anything. Boring. Oh, we find out that Nadia is dead because of Sayid. Then French lady starts stroking his face and saying she's sorry and we all get a little creeped out. Then all of a sudden she says, "I want to show you something."

Michael drew up some plans for a shower. Jack is impressed, but Charlie Pace runs in looking concerned because Hurley of all people has something important that everyone should see. This certainly is cause for alarm, but things take a turn for the awesome when we find out that Hurley has found a set of golf clubs and constructed one of the shittiest golf courses I've ever seen. Michael and Jack are pissed, Charlie Pace seems amused. Hurley raises the very good point that their lives suck and they need to have some fun. It's as if he broke the fourth wall and was talking directly to me.

French lady shows Sayid a music box she has, which is a less creepy result that I was expecting, so... thank you, tv show. Sadly the music box is broken, but she got it from her "lover".
"Alex?" Sayid asks.
"Robert." She responds.
Jesus, lady, how many lovers did you have on this island? Well, that's the French. Sayid says he can fix it if she unties him, but come on. No one's gonna fall for that one. She seems intrigued, though, but instead of untying his hands, she injects him with something and he passes out again.

Jack and Michael come around, and they're all enjoying a round of two hole golf. Old Harry Potter finds them and sees that they're playing golf. He seems mad at first, but then he wants to play too. They all say no and he walks away muttering something about a broken wand and advada kedavra under his breath.

Sayid wakes up tied to a pole or something. She wants him to fix the box so she moved him to a place where he can work. It's kind of a roundabout way to get him over there, but I guess they have some time on their hands. He agrees to fix it if she tells him her name. It's Danielle... totally a fake name. Danielle is like the 555 of names. Here's here story in a nutshell: She was on a science team, things went wrong, there were sounds... their ship ran aground. It was only supposed to be a three hour tour. Everyone went crazy or something, or the monster killed them. She's not really clear on the details. Zombies or something. She mentions some people called "the others" and a black rock. She can "hear" "others" "whispering". It's all very spooky and over dramatic and not very informative at all, but such is the nature of the beast. I'm referring here to both the monster and this style of narrative.


Sayid brought Nadia some bread. He wants her to help them identify some suspects in a bombing but she won't. Yeah, I was disappointed, too.

Flash forward.

South Beachton has caught word of the new golf course. The annoying kids decide to go. So does Kate. Sawyer makes some sarcastic remarks. Par for the course, though.

Hooray! Sayid has fixed the music box. Now we can listen to that annoying tune for the next 16 years! Finally, something to do. She still won't let him go, though. She starts yelling that it's not safe, but before she can explain there's like a dinosaur yell outside so she grabs a gun and runs outside.


Sayid has to execute Nadia, and I thought I had a bad day at work.

Flash forward.

Sayid escapes from the French lady's fort, grabs some maps, probably so it looks like he did something useful while he was gone, and also he grabs a gun.

We cut back to a golf course with a bunch of people watching one black guy play. It's the 1997 Master's tournament all over again. Everyone playing golf and enjoying themselves. You gotta hand this one to Hurley, but careful he sometimes mistakes fingers for sausages. Walt is kind of pissed because Michael left him alone at the caves. He thought he was with Claire, but she's asleep... which means that the pregnant girl is now alone... back in West Caverberg.

Sayid is running through the jungle, wishing that he had joined the Congo military, but he has a stroke of luck when he catches up behind Danielle and then they have an old fashioned hunting rifle standoff.


Sayid doesn't want to kill Nadia so he helps her break out, shoots his guard friend, shoots himself in the leg, and gives her the gun. She writes him a little note on the back of her picture and runs away.

Flash forward.

Ahh nuts. Sayid's gun doesn't work. Turns out Robert fell for the same trick "when she shot him". In fact, Danielle killed all her friends. The professor, Giligan, Mary Anne. All of them. I guess Nadia might still be alive, which is good news. Except Sayid is now stuck on an island... he tried to convince Danielle to come back to West Caverberg with him, but she won't. She warns him to watch the other castaways but doesn't explain why. Oh, turns out Alex was her child.

Charlie Pace and Jack are battling it out to win the golf tournament. Bets start flying around. Sawyer shows up just in time for the gambling, but no one is happy to see him. Kate takes his bet and so does annoying kid. Awww... they're all becoming friends. Everyone except Locke who is taking out his aggressions by throwing knives at an innocent tree by himself. Walt shows up, though, to keep him company, but mostly because those hunting knives are totally dope, and Walt fucking hates trees.

Sayid is not doing well. He's Lost in the jungle and he starts hearing that whispering the crazy French lady was talking about.


Thursday, April 10, 2008

Sidebar: Current Events

Dan Savage, critically acclaimed author and weekly alt-sex and romance columnist, has recently posted this.

So clearly great minds think alike, or one of us is a thieving bastard. I'll let you, the reader, be the judge.

Wednesday, April 2, 2008

Lost Season 1, Episode 7: Confidence Man

Oh, man. Let me start out by saying... this episode... could've been funnier. I mean, I like watching a man get tortured as much as the next guy, but as far as making jokes about it... not as fun as I thought. Oh, umm. Spoiler alert, by the way. A dude gets tortured in this episode.

Kate is walking down the beach, tallying her bananas, when she comes across a trashy romance novel and notices Sawyer doing his best Matthew McConaughey impression. It's pretty good too, all he has to do is not shave for a few days and then not wear a shirt. He makes some lewd comments at Kate, which surprisingly have nothing to do with bananas. Well, that's what being on ABC will do to your sexy banter.


Sawyer is in bed with some lady friend, post sans pants dance, making the cutsey talk when he discovers that he's late for a meeting. He jumps out of bed, puts some clothes on for a change, and grabs his briefcase which coincidentally falls open and spills out a bunch of (presumably) real money.

Flash forward.

Sawyer is running through the forest for some reason, shirt on, sandwich in hand, and he find the annoying kid rummaging through his stuff. Cut to Jack disinfecting Sayid's head. They're talking about how Sayid got attacked by a log in the last episode. Sayid is Piiiiiiiiissssssed, but then the annoying kid gets carried into the cave all beat up and stuff. Sawyer kicked the living poops out of him.

Pregnant girl is sitting on the beach, relaxing, and Charlie Pace brings her some water and tries to convince her to move to West Caverberg with him. It is "too sunny" on the beach, he argues, but she "has a hat". This will truely go down as one of our generation's greatest battles of the minds.

Back in West Caverberg, Jack is wasting peroxiding on the annoying kid. We find out that he was digging through Sawyer's stuff looking for his sister's inhaler refills. There's a long, boring explanation as to why he thinks Sawyer has the inhaler refills... I won't make you suffer through it, but Jack takes it upon himself to find them. He and Sawyer have some words and it almost comes to fisticuffs, but Kate shows up and makes the whole situation a lot skinnier.


Sawyer and his lady friend are putting clothes back on and he's explaining that the money is to buy into an oil rig or something... then his money gets tripled... but he doesn't have quite enough... there's a lot of confusing explanations in this episode. Point is he needs about 160 grand for his oil thing. Boy, there's nothing I love more in my adventure mystery show with monsters and polar bears than five minutes of exposition about international investing. Unless it's a conversation between the monster and the polar bear, but maybe I just spoiled the next episode for myself. His lady friend wants in on the deal, and apparently also has 160 thousand bucks, or at least a husband who does.

Flash present!

Jack is Piiiiissssssed, but Kate wants to talk to him before they head down the murder route. Sawyer is... chopping up some wood on the beach, for some reason, when Kate shows up. She tries to barter with him for the inhalers. He doesn't want much though. Just a kiss from Kate. She's a total prude, though. She just starts talking about how Sawyer is in love with a piece of paper that he has in his pocket, but that doesn't go too well. Sawyer is Piiiiiiissssssed! He makes her read the paper. "Dear Mr. Sawyer, you had sex with my mom and stole our money so my dad killed my mom and himself and some potted plants. You killed my parents. Something something." Sawyer still wants a kiss.... or not. I don't even know anymore.

Sayid starts asking Locke about where he was last night. Locke has a solid alibi, though: the boar he was killing. The boar vouches for him, as boars are wont to do, and Locke suspects that Sawyer was the one that clubbed him. Sawyer has an alibi too, because he set off a rocket a few seconds before Sayid got logged in the head. Locke doesn't buy it, though. He's seen how to improvise a slow fuse on TV, and assumes that everyone only gets that one channel he got in his crappy hotel room where he was inviting phone hookers to go to Australia with him. I still think that's weird. Well, it's back to carving spears for Mr. Locke. Oh, also he give Sayid the gift of one of his thousands of hunting knives.

Annoying girl is really bad at breathing, so Jack demands the inhalers. Sawyer makes a smart ass remark so Jack punches him in the face. Finally, some action. The asians seem nervous, or awkward, or dyslexic, or mustard. It's hard to tell with those people.


Sawyer is having dinner with his lady friend and her husband and he's totally swindling them. He acts like he's not that into the deal (and neither am I) with them and the husband seems skeptical. Sawyer starts to walk out but then the guy wants in again. Flash out to me taking a bathroom break during this poppycock scene.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is working his charms on pregnant girl. They're talking about food. She wants peanut butter, Charlie Pace says he'll get her some, but only if she'll move to West Caverberg if he does.

Meanwhile, annoying girl still sucks at breathing. Jack talks her through it. Annoying kid tries to tell Jack that she needs her inhaler but he tells the kid to promptly shut the hell up. The girl starts breathing again a little. Huzzah... even Hurley is impressed. Sayid... is not. He wants to torture Sawyer, and he's apparently an expert on the subject from his time in the military. They're going to torture the inhalers out of Sawyer.

Charlie Pace is trying to get some peanut butter from Hurley. He is the fat guy, after all. He would be the one who has peanut butter. Sadly, he does not.

Michael is gutting a fish and it gets in his eye, which sucks, but more importantly, Sun knows how to help the girl who never learned to breathe... Oh wait. Does she have asthma? Oh no! My sincerest apologies to my asthmatic readers.

Jack and Sayid start torturing Sawyer. Kate is pissed. It's the whole bamboo under the fingernails bit. Ouch. But Sawyer doesn't talk. Totally not funny. Finally he agrees to tell Kate where it is, but only Kate.


Sawyer is talking to some black dude in a pool hall. I guess he got the initial 140 grand from this guy, and he wants it back and he's big, black and scary.

Flash forward.

Kate shows up. Sawyer wants a kiss. She kisses him. He doesn't have it. (Insert Price Is Right loser music here). It's somewhere in the ocean. Kate is Piiiiiiiissssssed. Sayid is even more Pissed. Sawyer cuts the ropes that are tying his hands behind a tree and attacks Sayid, Sayid stabs him in the arm. Finally, a little action.

Sayid runs back to camp to get some medical supplies and the annoying kid sees him.
Annoying kid: Whose blood is that? Is it a person? s it Michael Douglas? What do you think of Charlie Pace? Is it bigger than a toaster?

Jack is holding Sawyer's artery shut so he doesn't bleed out and Sawyer's telling him to let go because he'd let Jack die, but if everyone dies, who will jack be King Doctor of?


Sawyer is about to steal those people's money when their son shows up and he thinks better of the situation. He leaves all the money there and walks away. Turns out he doesn't want to ruin a kid's life. It's cause HE ISN'T MR. SAWYER! He's the kid who wrote the letter? I think that's what happened.

Flash forward.

Sawyer doesn't die. Kate figures out that he was the one who wrote the letter because there's a bicentennial stamp on the letter. The ultimate irony is that he then started pulling the same trick on other people. Kate and he have an awkward moment and then he yells at her to "get out", which once again causes some problems as they are on an island. It is literally impossible to be any more "out".

Charlie Pace starts packing up pregnant girl's clothes because he "found peanut butter" but then he presents her with an empty jar. Charlie Pace, clearly having lost his marbles, starts eating imaginary peanut butter. I've seen this trick before. I was not impressed when I saw it in "Hook" and I am not impressed now. Anyways, the girl agrees to move to West Caverberg. Let's hope she catches on before he takes her imaginary hang gliding.

Sayid gets all emo and strikes out on his own because he feels bad about torturing Sawyer. He's gonna make some maps or something. There's some emotional piano music and there's a shot of Burt Bacharach playing a grand piano on the beach. We see Charlie Pace and pregnant girl leaving the beach, the annoying girl breathing, and Sawyer reading his own letter, and finally we see Sayid walking down the beach alone.

Also, Sun finds a plant that cures asthma.


For more information on asthma and how to treat it, please visit The National Heart Lung and Blood Institute website or your local library.