Friday, March 28, 2008

Episode 6: Moth

Charlie Pace is sweating a lot and clumsily playing his guitar. Clearly he is wigging out, man, and Locke feels bad for him. He invites Charlie Pace to go on a walk with him to get some fresh air, and Charlie Pace shoots him a look to suggest that the idea that he had been breathing anything but fresh air for the past eight days is idiotic and insulting.

Jack is on the beach to pick up some more supplies to bring back to West Caverberg. He and Kate get in an argument about living in West Caverberg versus the beach house... they're already like an old married couple and they've only known each other for a little over a week. But Kate still has hope that rescue will come. "Look, Kate, no one is coming. This beach isn't exactly a spring break hot spot. MTV isn't setting up their summer HQ here. We're not going to be floating to safety on Kurt Loder's bloated corpse, okay?"

Charlie Pace is just walking around in the forest for the fun of it when he hears what he thinks is Locke but is actually some kind of screeching Pygmy or something... when...


Charlie Pace is bragging to this priest about how much sex he's having because he's a bloody rock star. He acts like he's sorry and wants forgiveness, but come on. He just wants to talk himself up a bit. He acts like he wants to quit the band, probably figures that'll shave off a few dozen Hail Mary's, and on the way out he runs into a band mate that has for him a kickass record deal. If you're gonna be a rock god, might as well live in a church I guess.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is running for his freaking life and before he knows it, he's on the quickly growing list of people who's lives Locke has saved. Locke captures the boar that's chasing Charlie Pace in a sweet net. Where he got enough rope to make a net... well, your guess is as good as mine. Charlie Pace, well, he's not interested in guessing. He wants his "bloody drugs back".
Locke: You've now asked me once, but I'm not going to give them back to you. We all have moments of weakness. When you ask me three times, well then...
Charlie Pace: IwantmydrugsIwantmydrugs. Now now now now now.

Meanwhile, on the beach, Sayid, Kate and the future of corporate America are planning on setting up a communications network so they can triangulate where the French lady signal is coming from. They need a battery to make it work and Kate knows just where to look. She forgets about the walkman that Hurley is constantly listen to and enter Sawyer, that asshole guy, for those of you just joining us. He's sitting on a pretty nice nest egg of crap he found.
Kate: Must be hard for you, living like a parasite. Always taking, never giving.
Saywer: Well you see, the young man over there showed me how to set up and run a buisness.
He gives her a battery though, because he's not all bad.

Charlie Pace is back in West Caverberg and he's trying to help out with the move in. He's a little frazzled though and he drops a bunch of stuff including Jack's bag of pills which he immediately starts rummaging through. Jack tells him to take a break and clearly starts suspecting that something is not quite right.


Charlie Pace doesn't want to sign the record contract because he's having too much sex and being too crazy. He finally agrees to sign on the condition that if it gets "too crazy" then they'll walk away. His older brother/bandmate agrees.

Flash forward.

The Koreans are doing something in another language. Something about putting on a damn sweater cause you're half naked. Fat guy tells Charlie Pace to move his guitar and this makes him really mad. I can understand that. There is nothing but space on the island. You'd think they could work around one guitar. Anyways, Charlie Pace goes into the cave and starts yelling at Jack about being disrespectful. "I'm a bloody rock god" and all that. Well, he yells a little too loud and makes the real god of rocks angry and a cave in ensues, trapping Jack inside.

Everyone is understandably upset, for what are they to do without their beloved King Doctor. Charlie Pace, after slaying Jack, declares himself the new King Doctor, "There can be only one King Doctor. I have slain King Doctor Jack. All hail King Doctor Charlie Pace!"

They decide that Jack might still be alive so Charlie Pace runs down to the beach to get some help to save him. Small Business Weekly goes to help, leaving his annoying sister in charge of turning on the antenna and lighting off the signal rocket that Sayid rigged up for him. This is turning into an episode of goddamn MacGuyver. No. I take that back. If MacGuyver was here, they all would have been off the island three episodes ago.


We get our first real listen to Charlie Pace's hit single "You All, Everybody" which has to be one of the worst songs ever written. Charlie Pace is starting to get overwhelmed with the rock star life style and his brother is starting to get way into heroin. It's

Flash Forward.

Michael comes to the rescue at the cave. He worked construction for eight years which somehow makes him on expert on structural stability. Apparently building a Jack in the Box in West Brooklyn makes you an expert on cave in's. Walt wants to find Mr. Locke but Hurley explains that he's out in the forest "killing stuff". There is a quick cut to Locke in the forest playing jacks and singing "Oh La La" by Rod Stewart to himself softly. Michael comes up with a pretty reasonable plan to get into the cave without causing more cave ins and the crew gets to work.

Sawyer finds Kate in the forest to tell her about Jack but at the last second decides not to and they head off to continue their antenna quest.

Charlie Pace finds Locke and tells him about the cave in. Also, in unrelated news, he wants his drugs back. That's two. Instead of giving Charlie Pace his drugs back, he shows him a moth cocoon and starts talking about silk and how moths have to fight their way out of the cocoon to make themselves stronger. Locke could help out the moth by opening the cocoon a little but then the moth would be too weak to survive. Apparently he's trying to get Charlie Pace to forget about his drug craving by telling him the most boring facts he can think of.

The cave digging crew breaks through a little, there's a small hole that they can yell into.
Michael: Jack, we're gonna get you out of there.
Jack: Yeah, okay. Who's out there?
Hurley: Umm... Me, the fat guy, my kid, the asian lady...
Jack: Oh Jesus... Oh Jesus Christ. Isn't there anyone else? That Iraqi solder or the guy who can kill boars? Oh Jesus...

Charlie Pace appears at the perfect moment to crawl in the cave. He points out that he's the only one with nothing to lose and then
Charlie Pace, the once and future King Doctor, enters the cave. The irony is that now the people outside have everything to lose: Charlie Pace.

Sawyer is still trying to sweet talk Kate and then he accidentally lets it drop that Jack's buried in a cave. Kate leaves him with the antenna responsibilites. Sawyer agrees, happy to be part of a main storyline.

As Charlie Pace is crawling through the tunnel, (Flashback!) he thinks back to the worst tie he ever bought, and also some stuff about his brother being a jerk. Charlie Pace kicks all the ladies out of the dressing room and yells at his brother for missing sound check and being drunk and some other stuff. Charlie Pace wants to pull the plug on the whole operation, but his brother continues to be a jerk and tells him that he's useless and there will be no quitting of bands anytime in the near future. This causes Charlie Pace to begin his love affair with drugs and booze.

Flash Forward.

Let's leave sex and drugs behind and return to crawling through caves. Charlie Pace triumphantly makes it to Jack just in time for the tunnel to collapse behind Charlie Pace. Bad news for Jack and Charlie Pace. At least they have some company. They get the big rock off of Jack's arm but Jack is just all around dissappointed with the rescue effort.

Kate's all scared. A little bit about Jack being dead, but also probably a little bit that the new king doctor will be Hurley and she'll have to be his queen. She starts digging frantically.


Charlie Pace goes to visit his older brother who has settled down and started a family and bought some buddy holly glasses and a sweater. Charlie Pace wants to start up the band again, but older brother doesn't want to. How the tables have turned! Also, now Charlie Pace is the one with a drug problem. Charlie Pace storms off to catch his plane.

Flash forward.

Jack knows that Charlie Pace is going through withdrawl and they have a touching heart to heart and talk about death and religion and start praying to the rock god. Just then Charlie Pace sees a "bloody moth" in the cave. He finds a small hole and bursts through the goddamn cave wall, saving himself and also Jack, I guess. Huzzah for Charlie Pace! Now, once again second in line for King Doctorhood.

Kate gives Jack a big hug, and Hurley gives... Charlie Pace a big hug and laughes a lot. It's good to be loved.

Meanwhile, Sayid sets off his rocket and annoying girl almost drops the ball, but she manages to come through for once. We finally see the last rocket that Sawyer was in charge of. Sayid turns on his trangulator thingy and right when he's about to get some answers a disembodied log hits him in the head.

Back in West Caverberg, Jack is helping Charlie Pace go through the withdrawl. Grooming him to be the next King Doctor. Charlie Pace decides to walk off and find Locke, Kate makes Jack a sling out of what looks to be Hurley's old underpants, and Michael and Walt decide they want to live in West Caverberg.

Charlie Pace asks for his drugs back for the third time, and being the reasonable man that he is, Locke gives the heroin back to the shaking drug addict who is now covered in dirt. Charlie Pace shows his true calibur, though, and tosses the bag into the fire. Then he tries to pull it out, burns his fingers, and cries a little, but in the end he's kicked the habit, or he's at least out of drugs. Charlie Pace.


Saturday, March 22, 2008

Episode 5: House of the Rising Sun

This episode is based on our good friends, the Korean couple. It starts with Sun trying to help a flower grow. She did not understand photosynthesis when it was explained to her in grade school. Meanwhile, her husband is catching and beating fish to death quite unceremoniously. This causes Sun to remember a time before they were married. She was the daughter of a rich Korean man and he was a... waiter or somthing. It's hard to read the subtitles and type at the same time. Anyways, they want to get married, and he gives her a flower and all that. It's quite endearing. But not in any way more interesting than an island with monsters and polar bears. Disappointment number 1.

Flash forward, the Korean guy just starts beating the hell out of Michael for no reason. He tries to drown him and Walt is freaking out. Luckily for Michael, Sayid and the jerkface tackle Korean guy and handcuff him to what's left of the plane. What's black and white and lost all over? I don't know but that Korean guy is going to have one hell of a sunburn before this day is done.

In other Charlie Pace related news, Jack, Kate, Charlie Pace, and Locke all venture out to that cave that Jack found to get some water. Charlie Pace is annoyed by Jack and Kate's flirting. Charlie Pace really needs a friend. A friend that isn't Locke. They decide to rummage through the tail end of the plane that is located near the waterfall to see if they can find anything useful. Jack tells them to look for drugs and medical supplies, which reminds Charlie Pace that he has a drug addiction. He steals away to get a fix when Locke freaks the hell out of him by saying in a low, scary voice, "Don't move." It's not what you think, though. It's a beehive, Charlie Pace.

Back at camp, they're trying to figure out why Korean guy tried to kill Michael. That whole language barrier thing is proving to be, well, a barrier. Michael says that where he's from, Korean people don't like black people. However, he has mistaken "where he's from" with a youtube video he saw where an animated Kim Jhong-Il punches Jimmy Walker in the face.


Sun's father has given them permission to get married. Huzzah! Huzzah forever! He even got a job with Sun's father. She... is not as happy about this as you would think, but hey, she got a sweet ring out of the deal. Still don't care. Disappointment number 2.

Flash present.

Jack is going to try to cover the bee hive with a suitcase or something, but Charlie Pace steps on the hive and, oh god, there's bees everywhere! Jack and Kate run into the cave and start getting naked. "Kate! We'd better take... our pants off too! Bee's hate pants. Pants make them angry!" And then woooaahahhah! There's like a freaky ass mummy or something in the cave. This is some weird stuff going on right here. The bees... are gone. Randomly. They don't like mummies, I assume.

Locke and Charlie Pace meet up with them in the cave, and Charlie Pace is upset that Jack and Kate left them behind. He hands Kate her shirt.
Kate: It was, uh, full of bees.
Charlie Pace: It was full of C's, actually.
I didn't even make that up. That is an actual line from the show. Oh, that Charlie Pace. He is a card.

Korean guy is getting pretty sunburnt, and I'm not talking about his wife.


Sun comes home to find a puppy trapped in a large gift box. Husband got it for her so that she'd have some company while he was working. She starts reminiscing about when all he could give her was a flower. I can sympathize. Dogs are so much work. Not as much work as the goddamn subtitles. Disappointment number 3.

Flash forward.

Locke wants to stay behind and help Charlie Pace look through the plane wreckage. Get to know him better. All that. Jack is pre-occupied with the logistics of carrying water back and forth. He starts putting together some early plans to set up camp over in West Caverberg.

Walt is as curious as I am about why Koreans don't like black people. Michael admits that he just made it up. He and Walt then have an awkward conversation about how much they know about each other. Michael at least knows Walt's birthday. He keeps a scrapbook full of his child support check receipts.


Korean husband comes home covered in ketchup or blood or something. Here is the first thing that I made a joke about that actually came true. He's in the mafia, or whatever you call a korean mafia. A... korafia? Looks like Sun's father is some kind of mob boss. However, I predicted this. Disappointment number 4.

Flash forward.

Kate is pooped. All this walking... she thinks Jack is checking her out, but really he's thinking about dikes. What? I mean for the water! In West Caverberg. Charlie Pace and Locke are rummaging through things, and Charlie Pace is still hankering for some heroin. Locke knows that Charlie Pace was in the popular rock group, Driveshaft. They become fast friends. Also, Charlie Pace misses his guitar.

It seems like Jack is the only one excited about West Caverberg. Sayid wants to stay on the beach. Kate is... skeptical, at best. We still don't really know why Korean husband tried to kill Michael, and Sayid apologizes for accusing Michael of starting it. He also convinces him to stay on the beach with him. Fat guy's going to West Caverberg! There's a glowing endorsement. He leaves and mysteriously the tide goes out.

Michael goes into the jungle to chop up some firewood (which Koreans totally hate, where he's from), and this is where my second joke prediction comes true. But not before a quick flashback.

Flashback. (See?)

Sun is planning on running away from home. She's packed three PBJ's, an extra shirt and her teddy bear. She'll stay up past 10pm if she wants to. Also, her interior decorator got her some new ID cards and arranged a fake kidnapping. It's all set up. The interior decorator is even going to take care of the dog. Flawless plan.

Flash forward.

Back to my joke prediction. Turns out she knows English. Whaaaa?! I called it. Disappointment number 5. Her husband doesn't know. She explains that her husband tried to murder him because Michael is wearing a watch he found that belonged to Sun's father. Crazy! Where I'm from Koreans hate watches.

Locke finally just spills the beans about Charlie's drug problem and offers to help him out. It's gonna run out eventually anyways. He tells him that "the island" might give him his guitar back if he "gives something back to the Island."
"Does the island like to party?" Charlie Pace asks as he hands the drugs over to Locke. Locke then tells him to look up and wowzers! His guitar is stuck in a tree and undamaged! Huzzah!

Back on the beach, Kate decides that she doesn't want to move to West Caverberg with Jack. She seems pretty keen on getting off the island for someone who's supposed to be in prison. Tough call, I guess.

Michael goes crazy on that Korean guy and threatens him with a hatchet and yells at him in English. He gives him the watch back and then it looks like he's going to kill him with the axe, but instead he chops the handcuff chain in half. They're not exactly best buds, but at least that problems is resolved.


Sun is at the airport, all ready to get "kidnapped" but at the last second decides she loves her husband and gets on the plane with him, and we're left to assume that it is the plane that crashes which is why we're all watching this show. Disappointment number 6.

Flash forward.

Charlie Pace is happily tuning up his guitar in West Caverberg when the new citizens all arrive. Fat guy, Koreans, Jack... the whole gang. We have another touching montage with fat guy listening to his headphones. Everyone's all introspective, even back on the beach. Walt is asking about Michael's birthday, Locke is just burning stuff for the fun of it, and Jack and Kate miss each other. Aww. Barf.


Saturday, March 15, 2008

Episode 4: White Rabbit

Episode 4, "White Rabbit" opens with a Malcom in the Middle episode. A small child is getting beat up by some older boys and another small child, named Jack, also getting beat up. It sounds dull, I know... and it kind of is. The action picks up, though, when Charlie Pace wakes Jack up from a daydream to let him know that someone is drowning in the ocean and that he, Charlie Pace, can't swim. It's very lucky for him that they crashed on one of the tiny bits of land that exists in the Pacific Ocean. But enough about Charlie Pace. Well, you can never really say enough about Charlie Pace, but for the moment, let's concentrate on Jack and the mystery drowning person.

Jack dives into the water and eventually pulls up that one bratty kid. The boy. The boy who claimed to be a lifeguard in the pilot episode. He's a pretty shitty lifeguard, though, because there's a woman out even farther who is drowning. Jack is faced with a difficult choice, save the kid or save the girl. Since he already has a girlfriend on the island, and the girl is much farther out, he brings in the kid.

The woman who drowned was named Joanna and she wasn't a real character on the show. Episode 4 is actually a cautionary tale, which is coincidentally my new favorite phrase. The lesson learned here is that it is perilous to be a plot device on a show like this. Always have a story line.

Jack sees that crazy guy in a suit wandering around in the ocean again and we find out that he hasn't really been sleeping. Meanwhile, Walt is brushing his teeth with a small plant.
"Where'd you learn that?" Michael asks him.
"From Sun." (That's the Korean lady on the Island.)
"Sure you did, buddy. And maybe tonight the moon will teach you how to shut up and behave. Don't swallow that sea water."
"Because sea water makes you thirsty."
"Oh I don't know! Ask the Sun, if it's so goddamn smart!"

Some other interesting conversations going on...
-The bratty girl and that asshole have a riling conversation about the budding Island economy.
-The pregnant girl and Kate talk about hair brushes and astrology. It's a regular slumber party. Kate is a Gemini, by the way.

You can start caring again when Charlie Pace, Jack, and the fat guy all discover that there's not much water left on the Island. Luckily, there's water all around in that ocean. Unfortunately it makes you more thirsty for an unexplained reason. Jack gets all worked up about making decisions because he doesn't want to be king doctor (kdoctor, if you will) of the island anymore, and frankly, he's getting fussy and needs a nap.


Jack's a kid and some guy in a shirt and tie, who I'm going to guess is his... dentist? Maybe? Anyways, the guy tells Jack that he shouldn't have tried to help that kid who was getting beat up at the beginning of the episode, also something about how saltwater makes you thirsty that I didn't pay attention to. Once again, a cautionary tale. The lesson learned here is that trying is the first step to failing. Therefore, you shouldn't try to do anything. I had the same talk with my dentist when I was a kid.

Flash forward.

That bratty kid chews Jack out for saving his life instead of that woman. He claims that he was fine, which seems odd since Jack pulled him up from under the water, half passed out and sputtering water around. Then the kid tells Jack that "you're not the only one who knows what to do around here" and "I run a business!", which, once again, seems like an odd thing to say. I don't see how selling setting up A/V equipment for your friend's local band has anything to do with surviving on a desert island, but I guess we should cut him some slack. They're all under a lot of pressure. In the middle of the tantrum Jack just totally zones out. While pondering why salt water only makes him more thirsty, he sees that suit guy again and runs after him. The kid doesn't really appreciate this, but no one really cares what he thinks. He can't even lifeguard right for christsake.

Jack catches up to suit guy and he turns around and Jack goes, "Dad?" and then the guy looks at him funny and walks into the forest. Since he's just Jack's dentist, he's probably real sick of Jack calling him dad and chasing him around all the time.


Jack's mom is apparently telling him that his dentist ran off and she wants Jack to go find him. Jack is a full grown man now, and he understandably doesn't want to. He probably has different insurance and a new dentist by now, but his mom's real pushy, you know the type, and she makes him go to Australia anyways.

Flash Forward.

The pregnant lady faints and they carry her "inside" which is actually just "under a tarp". She comes to and they try to give her some water, but OH NOES! The water is totally teh stolenz, except for the ocean, but I've already argued that case. They decide that they should find some water. Actually, they decide that Locke should find some water. That guy has a new lease on life. All it takes is some magic socks.

Meanwhile, Jack's running through the jungle like a crazy person, looking for his dentist, when Flashback! He's talking to a hotel employee. He finds out that his dentist was really drunk and they had to kick him out. Flash Forward. Things are moving real fast now. Read this part as though I'm saying it in a hurried panic. He's back in the jungle, chasing his dentist around and watch out Jack! He falls off a cliff. Seriously. This is some Wile E Coyote shit going on here. He grabs onto some plants before falling to his death, hangs there for a few seconds, and then starts reassuring himself. "Okay, Jack, think back to what you learned in scouts. You're a main character, it's the fourth episode, you're gonna be fine." Once again, a cautionary tale. As one would expect, Jack is fine. Locke comes along and pulls him up, which is nice, but he really should be looking for some water. The water is key, Locke.

Back at camp, there's still no water. Well, there's a little, and Charlie Pace gives it to the pregnant girl. They become fast friends. Good for Charlie Pace. He charms her by making fun of Locke and his "400 knives" which is not really sporting of him, but I'll let him have it. He needs a friend. A friend that isn't a bald, creepy guy with a knife collection who seems to have a penchant for killing things.

The Koreans have some water, which is suspicious. There's some yelling and a lot of talking loudly and slowly, which transcends the language barrier for the first time in human history. They Koreans point to the asshole guy and Kate wants to go talk to him. Sayid tells her to wait though because if she goes over there now he will give her nothing, but it she waits...

Sayid isn't really the poster child of patience, though, as 5 seconds later he punches the guy in the face and yells "Where is the water!?" I like it. Kind of a Jack Bauer approach to problem solving. But not really effective.

Jack and Locke talk about leadership and how Jack doesn't want to be the island king... doctor... kdoctor... and how he's going crazy and keeps seeing his dentist. Locke starts talking about Alice in Wonderland, which is the episode's namesake. Locke continues to talk about magic and how there's magic on the island and maybe Jack's magic dentist isn't a hallucination, but perhaps a magic hallucination. Magic anyone? Easy to say when you're the one with the magic socks, but I'm willing to bear with him for a while. Weren't you looking for water, man? People are dying. Oh. There he goes. Locke goes to find water and tells Jack to keep chasing after his imaginary magic dentist so that he can be a leader. I'm not making this up. Okay, the part about his dentist I'm making up. I think that's actually supposed to be his father, but I think dentist is funnier.


Jack's father/dentist (more commonly know as a fdentist) is dead. He has to go ID the body and the coroner brings him into a room with a body bag.
Coroner: As coroner I must aver I thoroughly examined her, and she's not only merely dead, she's really most sincerely dead.
Jack: Umm... (looks at body) Yeah that's him.
Coroner: My deepest condolences.

Flash forward.

Back to chasing people through jungles for Jack. By some miracle he comes across a waterfall that feeds into a fresh water spring or something and there's all these creepy porcelain china dolls around, and even creepier, there's a coffin, which we find out is Jack's dad/dentist's coffin. Jack throws it open and, holy balls, there's nobody (or no body) in it! Looks like someone else was wearing magic socks! Jack smashes the shit out out that coffin with a log.

Charlie Pace find the bratty kid trying to give the pregnant girl some water. Turns out he stole it all in some backwards attempt to be a leader. He who has the water has the power, as they say. Well, he's about to get pummeled to death by the other castaways but Jack shows up at the last second and gives a rousing speech about organization and survival and tells everyone how he found some water and basically talks about how awesome he is. This seems to sit well with everyone, especially about how if they don't work together they're all going to die alone.

Everyone drinks some water, even the dog, and they all feel pretty good. The asshole rubs it in the kids face how everyone hates him, Jack and Kate exchange some vague words, and then the episode ends.


(Bad Robot)

Thursday, March 6, 2008

Episode 3: Walkabout

Episode three is titled "Walkabout" and it begins with Locke admiring his gold toe socks after the plane crash. Let me be the first to say that gold toes are great, high quality socks, and if I found myself stranded on an island, I would be very grateful to discover that I wore durable socks. Flash forward to night time and Locke is probably pissed he found that dog cause now it won't shut up. What is it girl? or Boy... Vincent? Oh there's something in whatever remains of the plane. Let's all go look. Nevermind the monsters and bears that live here. Turns out it's just some boars though. Locke is understandably excited. He used to have some bet boars. That is actually a typo, but now that I see it, I like to think that he kept some boars that he liked to place bets on for races and what have you.

King Jack decrees that the bodies must be burned before more animals or frankensteins come looking for a free meal. There's some argument but the pharaoh has spoken. The bodies will be burned next evening and perhaps the gigantic fire will attract some attention. They all start playing the collect firewood game the next morning. The Iraqi, whose name I swear I will try to figure out this episode, is trying to figure out where the french transmission is coming from.

Walt wants to hang out with Locke and see what he has in his mysterious silver suitcase but Michael for some reason still doesn't trust Locke. "At least he talks to me!" Walt's words burn into Michael's soul like acid. He appropriately responds by not talking to his son. Sad day, though, all the food has been eaten, most of it by that fat guy and his pregnant friend. They're both eating for two. Locke's suitcase turns out to be full of knives...? He may be creepy as hell, but at least he's useful. He makes a plan to go hunt some of those boars.


Locke gets a phone call from some guy that calls him "Colonel Locke" and they make some plans to rendezvous or something right before Locke's punk ass supervisor chews him out for taking personal calls at work.

Flash forward.

Kate, Locke and Michael are going off to hunt some boar, but Kate has some other plans. She's going to plant a triangulator... thing... for that Iraqi guy. Michael convinces the asian lady to watch Walt. The pregnant girl asks Jack to give a eulogy for the people in the plant but Jack is not a religious man. Also he is terrified of public speaking, and monsters. The annoying kid notices that the nice black lady has been sitting alone the whole time and talks to his sister about cheering her up. "What's a four letter word for I don't care?" She quips. Oh she's a quick one. Then she makes some plans to catch some fish so that she doesn't go hungry. Finally, someone realizes that there's a ocean of opportunity all around them. Literally. An ocean of opportunity. You just got Pulitzered.

Annoying girl recruits Charlie Pace to do some fishing for her. Oh Charlie Pace, you lovable sap.

The castaways are making some good use of a totally random wheelchair they found to collect firewood. The annoying kid makes Jack go cheer up the nice black lady, probably due to the fact that he comes from a WASPy family, and he himself is quite afraid of all black people. Jack tries to talk to her, but she's not having any of it.

The hunt is going... boring. They're just kind of walking around. Talking about Walt, what they were doing in Australia, what their favorite YES albums are... normal small talk. Oh but shhh. Lock finds a tree and points at it for a while. No one knows why. He tells Michael to... steal second, I presume, and then a Pumba comes out and rams Michael. They lay on the ground for a while and Locke once again is thankful for those goldtoes.

Flashback. Locke's not a real colonel! He's simply an Axis and Allies enthusiast. At least he's not a dick, like his boss, who makes fun of him for wanting to go on a "walkabout" journey through the australian outback. Oh. I get it. Walkabout. Anyways, his boss makes fun of him some more, and Locke talks about how this walkabout is his destiny.

Flash Forward. Locke wakes up from a pleasant nap to discover that Michael's leg is all boared up and shit. Whoops. Good luck with that, buddy. Locke's off to hunt some boar. He reassures them that he's fine and that he can do this, but I think he's missing the point that Michael can no longer walk and Kate weights about 115 pounds. Also, the monsters.

Fat guy and Charlie pace are trying to learn how to spear fish, but clearly neither of them is familiar with Snell's Law. I can't resist an opportunity to lay some Snell's Law on you. Don't give up guys. There's a learning curve for these things. A learning curve with a particularly steep upside that hopefully you can ascend before you all die of hunger.

Nice black lady finally opens up to Jack. Her husband's hands swell up in the air so he left the ring of power with her on a necklace. She tells him he's nice and he talks about being a doctor. Each of them is equally bored by the other as I am by this scene.

Flashback. This actually makes me sad because I kind of like Locke, but apparently he has some relationship with a girl on what I assume is a phone sex line. He bought her a ticket to go with him on his walkabout, but she's not allowed to meet customers. She shoots him down and he gets very sad. Poor guy. He just needs a friend.

Flash forward. Kate's carrying a limping Michael back to camp but they have to take a quick stop so she can climb a tree and put the transciever booster all up in there. She climbs like a damn monkey, that girl. Oh, but scary, that tree knocking over monster is out again. Either that or Locke is just stabbing some trees. Speaking of Locke, while he's hunting boar, he runs into the monster, though, you can't really see it, actually. It might just be a very tall camera man.

Kate and Michael make it back to camp okay. Walt seems concerned but worry not. It is but a scratch. A scratch! If you ask for him tomorrow, you probably will not find him a grave man. There's some general worry about getting food and if Locke is alive. Charlie Pace saves the day again! He caught a fish and then discovers that that bitch just played him like a fiddle. It stings, I'm sure.

The nice black lady's name is Rose. Nice. Check that one off the list. Anyways, she's not convinced that her husband is dead. Jack tries to talk some sense into her and tells her that everyone in the tail section of the plane is dead. "They're probably thinking the same thing about us."
"Dead people don't think, Rose." Replied Jack as he walked away.
Jack then sees a strange man in a suit walk into the forest. Spooky.

I guess that transciever that Kate was entrusted with broke when she dropped it out the tree. The Iraqi is a little pissed and says a few select phrases about why they do not entrust women with transcievers in his country. Jack walks over to reassure her, but then sees that suit guy again. He runs over to the forest only to discover Locke. Covered in blood.
"I couldn't find any boar, so I just killed this guy in a suit!"

But forget about dinner because, oh boy! It's plane burning time! The pregnant girl gives the worst eulogy ever, making it clear who the real boar is on the island. Charlie Pace runs off to either reapply his adhesive denture power or to do some heroin. They never really say. Jack gets some "me" time, and Flashback!

Locke isn't allowed to go on the walkabout because holy balls! He's wheelchair bound! Turns out his socks are not only comfortable, fashionable and affordable. They're also magic. Goldtoe: Enlighten your feet.

Flash forward. Locke gives a smirk to his old wheelchair.
"May you help a crippled man in hell, old friend," he mutters as the screen fades to a fiery black.


P.S. That Iraqi's name is Sayid.