Thursday, March 6, 2008

Episode 3: Walkabout

Episode three is titled "Walkabout" and it begins with Locke admiring his gold toe socks after the plane crash. Let me be the first to say that gold toes are great, high quality socks, and if I found myself stranded on an island, I would be very grateful to discover that I wore durable socks. Flash forward to night time and Locke is probably pissed he found that dog cause now it won't shut up. What is it girl? or Boy... Vincent? Oh there's something in whatever remains of the plane. Let's all go look. Nevermind the monsters and bears that live here. Turns out it's just some boars though. Locke is understandably excited. He used to have some bet boars. That is actually a typo, but now that I see it, I like to think that he kept some boars that he liked to place bets on for races and what have you.

King Jack decrees that the bodies must be burned before more animals or frankensteins come looking for a free meal. There's some argument but the pharaoh has spoken. The bodies will be burned next evening and perhaps the gigantic fire will attract some attention. They all start playing the collect firewood game the next morning. The Iraqi, whose name I swear I will try to figure out this episode, is trying to figure out where the french transmission is coming from.

Walt wants to hang out with Locke and see what he has in his mysterious silver suitcase but Michael for some reason still doesn't trust Locke. "At least he talks to me!" Walt's words burn into Michael's soul like acid. He appropriately responds by not talking to his son. Sad day, though, all the food has been eaten, most of it by that fat guy and his pregnant friend. They're both eating for two. Locke's suitcase turns out to be full of knives...? He may be creepy as hell, but at least he's useful. He makes a plan to go hunt some of those boars.

Flashback.

Locke gets a phone call from some guy that calls him "Colonel Locke" and they make some plans to rendezvous or something right before Locke's punk ass supervisor chews him out for taking personal calls at work.

Flash forward.

Kate, Locke and Michael are going off to hunt some boar, but Kate has some other plans. She's going to plant a triangulator... thing... for that Iraqi guy. Michael convinces the asian lady to watch Walt. The pregnant girl asks Jack to give a eulogy for the people in the plant but Jack is not a religious man. Also he is terrified of public speaking, and monsters. The annoying kid notices that the nice black lady has been sitting alone the whole time and talks to his sister about cheering her up. "What's a four letter word for I don't care?" She quips. Oh she's a quick one. Then she makes some plans to catch some fish so that she doesn't go hungry. Finally, someone realizes that there's a ocean of opportunity all around them. Literally. An ocean of opportunity. You just got Pulitzered.

Annoying girl recruits Charlie Pace to do some fishing for her. Oh Charlie Pace, you lovable sap.

The castaways are making some good use of a totally random wheelchair they found to collect firewood. The annoying kid makes Jack go cheer up the nice black lady, probably due to the fact that he comes from a WASPy family, and he himself is quite afraid of all black people. Jack tries to talk to her, but she's not having any of it.

The hunt is going... boring. They're just kind of walking around. Talking about Walt, what they were doing in Australia, what their favorite YES albums are... normal small talk. Oh but shhh. Lock finds a tree and points at it for a while. No one knows why. He tells Michael to... steal second, I presume, and then a Pumba comes out and rams Michael. They lay on the ground for a while and Locke once again is thankful for those goldtoes.

Flashback. Locke's not a real colonel! He's simply an Axis and Allies enthusiast. At least he's not a dick, like his boss, who makes fun of him for wanting to go on a "walkabout" journey through the australian outback. Oh. I get it. Walkabout. Anyways, his boss makes fun of him some more, and Locke talks about how this walkabout is his destiny.

Flash Forward. Locke wakes up from a pleasant nap to discover that Michael's leg is all boared up and shit. Whoops. Good luck with that, buddy. Locke's off to hunt some boar. He reassures them that he's fine and that he can do this, but I think he's missing the point that Michael can no longer walk and Kate weights about 115 pounds. Also, the monsters.

Fat guy and Charlie pace are trying to learn how to spear fish, but clearly neither of them is familiar with Snell's Law. I can't resist an opportunity to lay some Snell's Law on you. Don't give up guys. There's a learning curve for these things. A learning curve with a particularly steep upside that hopefully you can ascend before you all die of hunger.

Nice black lady finally opens up to Jack. Her husband's hands swell up in the air so he left the ring of power with her on a necklace. She tells him he's nice and he talks about being a doctor. Each of them is equally bored by the other as I am by this scene.

Flashback. This actually makes me sad because I kind of like Locke, but apparently he has some relationship with a girl on what I assume is a phone sex line. He bought her a ticket to go with him on his walkabout, but she's not allowed to meet customers. She shoots him down and he gets very sad. Poor guy. He just needs a friend.

Flash forward. Kate's carrying a limping Michael back to camp but they have to take a quick stop so she can climb a tree and put the transciever booster all up in there. She climbs like a damn monkey, that girl. Oh, but scary, that tree knocking over monster is out again. Either that or Locke is just stabbing some trees. Speaking of Locke, while he's hunting boar, he runs into the monster, though, you can't really see it, actually. It might just be a very tall camera man.

Kate and Michael make it back to camp okay. Walt seems concerned but worry not. It is but a scratch. A scratch! If you ask for him tomorrow, you probably will not find him a grave man. There's some general worry about getting food and if Locke is alive. Charlie Pace saves the day again! He caught a fish and then discovers that that bitch just played him like a fiddle. It stings, I'm sure.

The nice black lady's name is Rose. Nice. Check that one off the list. Anyways, she's not convinced that her husband is dead. Jack tries to talk some sense into her and tells her that everyone in the tail section of the plane is dead. "They're probably thinking the same thing about us."
"Dead people don't think, Rose." Replied Jack as he walked away.
Jack then sees a strange man in a suit walk into the forest. Spooky.

I guess that transciever that Kate was entrusted with broke when she dropped it out the tree. The Iraqi is a little pissed and says a few select phrases about why they do not entrust women with transcievers in his country. Jack walks over to reassure her, but then sees that suit guy again. He runs over to the forest only to discover Locke. Covered in blood.
"I couldn't find any boar, so I just killed this guy in a suit!"

But forget about dinner because, oh boy! It's plane burning time! The pregnant girl gives the worst eulogy ever, making it clear who the real boar is on the island. Charlie Pace runs off to either reapply his adhesive denture power or to do some heroin. They never really say. Jack gets some "me" time, and Flashback!

Locke isn't allowed to go on the walkabout because holy balls! He's wheelchair bound! Turns out his socks are not only comfortable, fashionable and affordable. They're also magic. Goldtoe: Enlighten your feet.

Flash forward. Locke gives a smirk to his old wheelchair.
"May you help a crippled man in hell, old friend," he mutters as the screen fades to a fiery black.

Lost.

P.S. That Iraqi's name is Sayid.

3 comments:

Yogurt the Wisenheimer said...

Entertaining, educational, disturbing, and confusing with a pinch of sell-out marketing. Made me hungry for fish & bacon. Do you think McDonald's will give me a funny look if I ask them to add bacon to my Filet 'o' Fish? I'll let you know how it turns out.

moochieboochie said...

I hope I am the only one who got the romeo and juliet thing, awesome. LOST.

Charlie Pace. Unfortunately, not really. said...

Love the romeo and juliet references . . . .